The Scorpio full moon had a large effect on all aspects of my family. Drawing the son of cups this morning I sat with it and immediately felt an opening in my heart and throat chakras. The question in the back of my mind since I awoke this morning was “how do I keep my mind from worry?” I felt quickly that the son of cups represented my husband.
We have been married for a little over a month now. As each day passes a deeper shedding and opening occurs. The solidifying of our union allows both of us an access to more power. We have closed other doors, and opened this one WIDE. Our energies are more focused and deliberate. We are allowing ourselves to love one another and occupy our love fully.
I drew a second card for further guidance on the first. These two cards create a harmony, representing the symmetry of our partnership. The son of cups has an energetic drawing up, while temperance is grounding. There is a romantic and idealistic sense that the watery, emotional son of cups exudes that temperance gently balances, with the union of fire and water. These cards feel to me like a reminder to utilize the power and energy our sacrament offers us.
Our whole is far greater than the sum of its parts.
I’ve fallen out of my writing practice in the last week– allowing doubt and fear to get the better of me. Today, on this first day following the Scorpio full moon, I renew my commitment to myself and this process of accountability and acknowledgement. I began today with a 13 card spread for the coming year from this deck that is brand new to me, The Wild Unknown. It feels like my deck. Interacting with it feels like coming home.
The seven of wands was the first card I turned over in the 13 card spread, the one that applies for the month ahead. I began sobbing as soon as i connected to it.
The root of my emotion feels connected to my mother and the shedding process she is currently undergoing, which runs parallel to my own. The work that she is doing is clearly work for our lineage. As she releases her burdens she allows my daughter and I to release them as well. She frees us from ever having to carry them.
Yesterday on the full moon in Scorpio she turned 73. The day before she held a yard sale at my house and let go of a massive amount of weight that she had been carrying for years upon years upon years. My mother is a collector. She has always been a collector (at least for the 41 years that I have known her). When I was a child she never made me get rid of anything. There was an attachment to objects that was allowed and even encouraged. I carted around ridiculous pieces of my childhood with me from one coast to another– finally beginning to unravel that process seven years ago when I separated from my first husband.
The single flame on the seven of wands represents our own inner fire. It symbolizes the importance of self-reliance and the falling away of all other things or people. As my mother sheds her past and unburdens herself of all that she has carried for herself and for others throughout her lifetime– I too feel a weight lifting. Her lightening load is mine as well. She gives me courage to move forward through my doubt and fear, guided by my own inner light. I allow that light to shine on my terror. I acknowledge the perfection of my fear and allow my inner light to guide the way. I am grateful for the powerful example my mother is setting. As she steps out on her own brightly lit path without the security of her things, so too do I.
“Wow” is what I uttered as I drew this card from the deck this morning. The stark beauty of this image is striking. As I sit with this card in meditation, I immediately feel my spine elongating– a flow of energy moving out from my crown chakra. Then my attention, like yesterday, comes to my third chakra, which feels as if it’s rhythmically dancing. Sitting with the image there is a feeling of unity– of drawing together things that seem separate– but are not. The illumination of the full moon, shining on the naked figure is a revelation of openness. There is a peace– while acknowledging struggle, a resolve to being in what could be defined as a state of limbo.
Swords represent the element of Air. This is the second day I’ve drawn a sword– it seems I’m moving away from the emotion of watery cups and into the more active, changing element of air. The dancing in my third chakra portends a large shift is on its way. If the work I’ve been doing with my clients of late is any indication (and it always is)– there is a massive clearing of my throat chakra in process. (Not to mention the fact that I’ve been clearing my throat continuously for the last five days). Every piece of me feels poised for this next big shift. I feel as though I’m balancing on a precipice– ready to take flight.
I trust my resources and all that I am surrounded by to help carry me forward. I am strong and resilient and poised to exponentially EXPAND.
As I sit in meditation with this lovely ray of sunshine– I am drawn to my center. I feel the hum and glow of my third chakra– and feel the warmth of it moving into my heart. There is a peace and calm emanating. In connecting with the image of this Queen– I feel an openness and confidence– a unique and grounded forward trajectory. Awakening today, I continue to move into my newness. More of me is present. I feel as if I’ve been cocooned for the last several months– and finally I’ve stepped out into the light, ALL of me– for the first time in a LONG time.
Several days ago I went through a bunch of old photo albums that my mom was letting go of. I removed from them a treasure trove of pictures, mostly of little me, that I wanted to keep and brought them home. The little being I feel most drawn to is my two year old self. She is wildly fierce and unapologetic. She shines brilliantly and confidently. As I reconnect to her I allow her to awaken– and am certain that she a is a large part of the newness in me.
I created an altar of sorts for her on our refrigerator with magnets and magnetic poetry haikus. There is a deep process of reincorporation that is occurring for me, an engagement into a rooted and cellular trust. As I reincorporate my sunny, carefree, baby girl I understand on a cellular level that it is safe to fully express myself. It is challenging to find the words to convey this transformation that is actively occurring– but I will endeavor to continue doing so. I am grateful I’m allowing myself the space to try.
Yesterday I did not draw, nor did I write. I laid in bed ALL DAY LONG. I went to bed the night before well aware that my body was fighting– but with the hope that I might be able to “sleep it off.” Sleep it off, I did not. I woke up a couple of hours into my sleep with a RAGING sore throat. I tried all of my witchy remedies. I wrapped my neck in a scarf, poured a Chinese linament on my throat, and secured a rose quartz stone in between the scarf and myself– well aware that my 6:15 am class was not something I was going to be able to “push through.” At 3 am I texted my clients to let them know they could get some extra sleep in the morning– and tried to do the same.
My body is moving through its cycle. It’s done such an incredible job over the last month, moving forward, pushing through, getting it done. It is acknowledging its breaking point– forcing me to take a knee. And just thirty six hours later, having taken that knee, I feel much better.
Today’s card is all about those cycles that are inherently present in our lives that we are continuously moving through. There are the constant and continuous cycles that are always present, the waxing and waning of the moon, the changing of the seasons. Then there are those larger, personal cycles, birthdays, graduations, acknowledging changes in relationships, GETTING MARRIED and such.
There is a massive purge that has been building and insinuating itself for MONTHS in my home. This space is bursting at the seams. It is BEGGING to be toppled and rebuilt. I have been keeping it at bay for the last two weeks. It’s as if it is a living, breathing thing and it’s aware that the wedding is OVER– and pestering me to PAY ATTENTION to it. This weekend there is finally time to be given to completing a cycle in OUR home. Yes, technically it has been OUR home for almost three years now– but everything is different now. There is an ownership that WE have over this space that trumps anything previous.
I honor the sacredness of this new beginning we are making as a family of four. I honor the closing of the cycle as our family of three. I honor this space as our sacred container and can’t wait to dive in this weekend and MAKE it SING!!!!
I had completely forgotten that this deck existed until this morning. I found myself in a neglected corner of my house, one that used to be an altar space that is now a dumping ground for randomness, asking myself “what am I looking for?” BOOM these cards called out to me, greeting me like a long-lost friend. I remembered buying them out at one of our favorite bookstores on the coast over a year ago and using them just once to create an altar for our family. I immediately disassembled the altar (an untended altar is no altar at all) and made the deck whole again. I didn’t even check in with my other decks. This was the deck for today’s draw.
Drawing this card, the last one in the deck, feels absolutely perfect. Finding the balance between giving and receiving for me has been a life-long journey. Lately however, it feels like I’ve finally turned a corner with it. I finally have a deep understanding of the necessity of receiving in order to be able to hold the necessary space as a healer, mother, partner and business owner. I resonate so completely with the image of the beautiful woman on this card who is one with the sacred geometry that flows through and around her. She is one with the stardust. There is a flow between herself and all of creation. She is a conduit for flow and movement. She is open and allowing.
Creating a structure for my daily writing practice to exist within has opened me to allowing the flow of my writing. Giving my words voice has allowed them to bubble up and out of me with ease. They are begging to be written and I am acknowledging them and allowing them to move through me. For years my practice was ignoring them. Occasionally I would open a small escape valve, a post here and there, a haiku or poem. But ultimately, my firmly entrenched pattern was one of containing– not allowing.
In the years I spent blocking my writing, I was always very conscious of the fact that I was doing so, but also completely unable to change the practice. I would go through fits and spurts but ultimately there was an intangible fear keeping me from allowing the flow of my words. As I ease ever closer to my wedding day– just two weeks from today, I begin to understand the magnitude of the acknowledgement to the world of my union with my partner. I have known intuitively since I laid eyes on him that we were bound to each other– but there are years that have passed from that moment until now, years of patience and trust. The acknowledgment of our bond to the world allows me to trust myself at the root of my being. It allows me to fully step out from my self-imposed shroud and shine as brilliantly as I possibly can. I can finally say with absolute certainty:
When I was called to draw from the motherpeace deck this morning I prepared myself for a raw and real draw– as motherpeace is good at providing. I’ve drawn from Spiritsong for the last several days and it has a gentle, loving hand even when the cards are reversed. Motherpeace tells it like it is. I was happy to see my old friend the six of wands. She affirms the massive shift in my habits and patterns over the last several weeks, and the last week in particular.
For YEARS I have had the continuous pressing message from the universe to WRITE. I’ve had flirtations with it– and at times the best of intentions. But for the most part I have kept a lid on my words, never giving them shape or form, keeping them silent but persistent– a constant banging in my brain. For the last week I have written and published every single day. I realize a week of writing is not a monumental achievement– but it feels important to acknowledge the small steps. I am creating the practice. And as that practice solidifies, my words take on a life of their own and let me know where they need to go.
These daily draws are difficult for me in the fact that they are far from masterful pieces of writing. However, I recognize that their purpose is not to be masterful. Their purpose is to affirm a practice of meditation, writing and publishing. And they are doing exactly that. They are helping to move me forward in the direction I’ve been wanting to go. They make me feel like I deserve to call myself a writer– because I am active in my practice– and I am exposing my raw, un-masterful underbelly.
The six of wands tells me to keep going. She represents success and affirmation from my community. She is exposing herself to the world, laying herself bare, taking her place in the ring of fire. And it is from her vulnerability that she derives her POWER. I feel a massive shift in my momentum, a turn of the tides where I’m no longer pushing up against my own resistance. I have turned my back to my perceived struggle and am allowing all of the energy I expended upon it to buoy me forward. I am exactly where I need to be.
Each time I draw a reversed card I feel like I have failed. As I shuffle the cards, I am so in my head about the draw, and whether it’s going to be upright or reversed, that undeniably the universe is giving me exactly what I need: LOTS OF UPSIDE DOWN CARDS. Get over it, Mandy. Move past it. Having a reversed card does not mean that you’ve failed. Turning something on its head is often EXACTLY what we need to do.
The starfish symbolizes renewal and healing. Starfish have the ability to regenerate limbs, as well as willfully detach limbs, to distract or disengage predators. The message of the reversed starfish is about putting yourself first and not ignoring your own happiness. Fair enough. This is one of my things– a lesson that keeps popping up and refuses to leave me alone until I really am prioritizing myself in all aspects of my life.
As I sit with this card I connect into the ease and flow of water. I feel the gentle, lulling rhythm of the ocean, and I hear the words “forgive yourself.” I could plaster those words across my entire life fittingly. There is no aspect of my life in which I couldn’t use just a little bit of forgiveness from myself. The REVERSED (and that’s okay) starfish reminds me to stay present with ALL of myself, to ground myself not just for the sake of others, but for MYSELF, to disengage from the chatter in my brain, and to forgive myself. Because just like everyone else I am far from perfect and I deserve my own forgiveness.
The full moon illuminating Hera is what strikes me first when connecting to this card– as well as all of the peacock eyes that she is robed in. The card gives me a sense of awareness and transparency. There is nothing hidden. Hera is the queen of the Gods and the Goddess of marriage and family. She was a protector of marriage and made herself a symbol for married women. This feels particularly apropos as I am getting married nineteen days from now and the reality of my pending nuptials is really beginning to hit me.
I got married for the first time at the tender age of twenty three. I was bright-eyed, in love and full of fairy tale stories of marriage. My first marriage brought me exactly the lessons I needed and allowed me to begin to acknowledge the tiniest bit of my power. Getting married to my first husband made me feel like an adult. It moved me through a stilted rite of passage and helped me to assume a role that I didn’t know how to assume otherwise. It began as an exercise in innocence and ended as a massive wake up call that struck the root of my being. It also produced two incredible human beings whom I have the privilege of calling my children.
This time around is different. One experience does not even begin to resemble the other, like two different people who coincidentally have the same name. There is no fairy tale. The love I share with my partner is consistent and deeply rooted into a vast foundation that we have built together for years. I am a fully grown woman marrying a fully grown man. Everything is fully illuminated and my eyes are WIDE OPEN. This marriage is an acknowledgement of a deep and abiding bond that exists between myself and my partner. I do not have any illusions about what the future holds for us, and I understand that our bond is powerful and worthy of acknowledgement.
The presence of Hera in today’s draw is comforting. The calm and assurance in her full illumination affirm the brightly lit path along which I find myself travelling.
Today’s three card draw comes from the Motherpeace tarot deck by Karen Vogel and Vicki Nobel.
Last night I did a three card draw from another deck that was serious SUNSHINE and ROSES. It was over the top AMAZING. I made my partner sit while I read all about the AWESOMENESS that described my life. This morning I woke up and checked in about whether that was the draw I should write about. The answer was a clear: NO, DRAW AGAIN.
The Motherpeace deck called to me this morning, so I did my draw of one card to start, seven of swords reversed. Damn. Not one of those sunshine and roses, inspiration abounds, my life is awesome kind of cards. I guess it can’t always be that. My intellect started trying to get involved– “are you sure that’s your draw? Maybe that’s not really it… Maybe you should draw again.”
Nope. That’s the draw, lady. Sunshine and roses are not an everyday occurrence. This is what’s lying under the surface. And of course, it’s perfect. As I sat with the card, reversed, depicting a fox outside a hen house, I got the clear message that I needed to draw two more cards, and get a little more context. I drew the six of wands turned right, and the hanged one, turned left. The context is helpful– and absolutely spot on.
The seven of swords is that place I find myself moving away from– the feeling of scarcity and struggle for resources… A lack of trust in myself as a resource– the continuous fight I engage in with the second-guessing chatter in my brain. The six of wands turned right is POWERFUL. It affirms my leadership and power, even as my brain attempts to undermine it. And the hanged one left represents an ambivalence about slowing down and connecting to my inner world. Yes, Yes, and Yes.
I find myself engaged at the moment in a struggle with myself, hanging onto the desire to placate habits and practices that no longer serve any part of me. I am moving through a massive shift in consciousness and the little girl inside of me just wants to feel COMFORTED AND DRINK COFFEE!!!! But when I allow my brain to override all other senses and engage in the habits that no longer serve me– every single cell in my body immediately screams: “STOP IT!!!”
There is a higher purpose to serve. I must remind my little girl that she is SAFE and that safety and comfort are not the same thing. I am no longer a scared, bewildered, insecure little girl and I can TRUST my surroundings implicitly. I have a partner who is able to hold space for and LOVE the craziest, witchiest me– and his presence keeps me continuously smiling. I am doing my work. I am listening, and honoring my highest good. I am taking small steps every day to move me forward. And I don’t need (or really even want) to drink coffee anymore, dammit.