The Scorpio full moon had a large effect on all aspects of my family. Drawing the son of cups this morning I sat with it and immediately felt an opening in my heart and throat chakras. The question in the back of my mind since I awoke this morning was “how do I keep my mind from worry?” I felt quickly that the son of cups represented my husband.
We have been married for a little over a month now. As each day passes a deeper shedding and opening occurs. The solidifying of our union allows both of us an access to more power. We have closed other doors, and opened this one WIDE. Our energies are more focused and deliberate. We are allowing ourselves to love one another and occupy our love fully.
I drew a second card for further guidance on the first. These two cards create a harmony, representing the symmetry of our partnership. The son of cups has an energetic drawing up, while temperance is grounding. There is a romantic and idealistic sense that the watery, emotional son of cups exudes that temperance gently balances, with the union of fire and water. These cards feel to me like a reminder to utilize the power and energy our sacrament offers us.
Our whole is far greater than the sum of its parts.
I’ve fallen out of my writing practice in the last week– allowing doubt and fear to get the better of me. Today, on this first day following the Scorpio full moon, I renew my commitment to myself and this process of accountability and acknowledgement. I began today with a 13 card spread for the coming year from this deck that is brand new to me, The Wild Unknown. It feels like my deck. Interacting with it feels like coming home.
The seven of wands was the first card I turned over in the 13 card spread, the one that applies for the month ahead. I began sobbing as soon as i connected to it.
The root of my emotion feels connected to my mother and the shedding process she is currently undergoing, which runs parallel to my own. The work that she is doing is clearly work for our lineage. As she releases her burdens she allows my daughter and I to release them as well. She frees us from ever having to carry them.
Yesterday on the full moon in Scorpio she turned 73. The day before she held a yard sale at my house and let go of a massive amount of weight that she had been carrying for years upon years upon years. My mother is a collector. She has always been a collector (at least for the 41 years that I have known her). When I was a child she never made me get rid of anything. There was an attachment to objects that was allowed and even encouraged. I carted around ridiculous pieces of my childhood with me from one coast to another– finally beginning to unravel that process seven years ago when I separated from my first husband.
The single flame on the seven of wands represents our own inner fire. It symbolizes the importance of self-reliance and the falling away of all other things or people. As my mother sheds her past and unburdens herself of all that she has carried for herself and for others throughout her lifetime– I too feel a weight lifting. Her lightening load is mine as well. She gives me courage to move forward through my doubt and fear, guided by my own inner light. I allow that light to shine on my terror. I acknowledge the perfection of my fear and allow my inner light to guide the way. I am grateful for the powerful example my mother is setting. As she steps out on her own brightly lit path without the security of her things, so too do I.
Three of cups is a joyous celebration of community and coming together. Drawing this card reversed reminds me not to get stuck in isolation. I have a tendency to withdraw from my support when fear begins to grip me. As I move through my days right now I am calling upon an immense amount of TRUST to carry me forward. The gentle reminder this card brings: to root into the community that I have built and fostered at body mechanics is golden.
When I take a moment to flip this card right side up I feel a lift of energy– there is a feeling of opening and support. Sitting with the card in reverse helps me to remember to send my energy in both directions– through my roots as well as my crown.
This card fortells of a journey– setting out to shores unknown, a new beginning. This is precisely where I find myself, letting go of the comforting and familiar to set forth into a new paradigm. Drawing it in reverse clearly illustrates my trepidation about this journey.
In describing the reversed status of this card, fountain tarot speaks of a stubborn self-reliance and relying on old patterns of behavior that prevent progress. Yes, Yes, and Y-E-S.
Jumping off of a precipice into unknown waters is SCARY. I am human and not immune to fear. As I do my best to TRUST my process and myself within it, I also acknowledge that I AM MY LARGEST OBSTACLE– and that it’s okay (and absolutely perfect) to be afraid.
I am doing my best to acknowledge my own self-sabotage and recognize old patterns that are no longer serving me. I TRUST myself and my path as it unfolds in front of me. I am ready for this NEW BEGINNING.
Two days later my old friend is back again, reversed, just to keep me honest.
In connecting with this card this morning I felt an instant release of emotion– my heart and my throat chakras releasing into sobs immediately. At first, my intellect was bewildered. Aren’t I doing a good job? Am I seeking external validation? What am I doing WRONG? BINGO. That question in and of itself is my answer.
Yesterday there was some drama in the studio. I was with a client in a private movement session and another instructor was teaching a mat class in the front room. I was completely engrossed in my work with my client when one of the mat class students burst into the equipment room, distressed, and said, “Mandy, can you come in here? something is wrong.” I looked into the next room to see the instructor, my dear friend and colleague, sitting on the floor shaking uncontrollably. I moved away from my client and over to her instantly. I sat with her and helped her ground. I told her she was exactly where she needed to be and that everything was alright.
She has a condition called Addison’s disease. Her body does not produce cortisol, the stress hormone. There are so many small chemical regulations that our bodies are continuously processing that we take for granted– sugars, salts, minerals, hormones. When any one of these small things is off in her body the effects can be catastrophic– it can leave her feeling dizzy, nauseous, and unable to function like a normal human being. It can also make her feel terrified. That’s what she was yesterday. TERRIFIED.
There’s that word again.
I am the woman you want around in a crisis. I will jump to action. I will stay calm. I will remain grounded. It’s what I was made for. In that moment of crisis my entire energy field surrounded the studio and everyone in it in a big bubble of safety. What was important to me above anything else was that she and everyone else in the studio felt safe and taken care of. I may have over-extended myself a bit.
We moved through the trauma, called an ambulance to usher her to the hospital where they could give her fluids and monitor all of her levels. My brilliant assistant went with her. When they left the studio I opened up the garage door to help allow the trauma to move out of the space and immediately re-entered the private session with my client who had waited there, holding space along with everyone else. We did some triage energy work on her heart, the situation having stirred up a lot for her, giving her access to feelings and emotions that her heart had been holding. I rooted into the space and helped her move the emotions. We moved her back into her physical structure and she left the space feeling lighter and more grounded.
I cleared the studio of the trauma after she left, processed it with a couple of the practitioners who were still in the space and moved forward with my day, unaware of a certain level of shock I was operating under. When my husband arrived home I processed through the story with him. He immediately asked me when I was seeing my healer next, he said “You just took a huge impact, and I know you’re strong and you did what you needed to for everyone else, but you need to get ahead of this.”
I heard him intellectually, but couldn’t process what he was saying on any other level. I felt fine– proud even of how I had handled the situation. (uh oh, proud? sounds like ego to me). And thus my uncontrollable sobbing at the right-side-up hanged man this morning.
What The Fountain Tarot says about a reversed hanged man is “business as usual” and that hits the nail on the head. Despite the MASSIVE trauma that occurred in the space yesterday– I moved forward as if I hadn’t been affected by it– taking care of the space and everyone else. Moving forward– making everyone feel safe and protected feels like my job. And maybe it is to a certain extent– as long as I’m being honest with myself, and acknowledging my own needs.
I am grateful to the incredible community of people who held space in the studio yesterday. I am grateful for the immense wisdom of my partner, his gentle but firm loving guidance, helping me acknowledge the truth. I am also grateful to this daily meditation practice.
Yesterday was HARD. I AM someone you want around in a crisis, I WILL be calm and grounded. I WILL take care of everyone else– but I cannot do that at my own expense.
Today I will take time for myself. I will allow myself to process and release the trauma of yesterday. I will remember that I am held, even when I’m holding. I will remind myself to TAKE MY OWN ADVICE– it’s actually pretty spot-on.
Drawing this card of 13 moons on Friday the 13th feels auspicious. Sitting with this card in meditation today I feel a calm, grounded centering. This morning is a slow, deliberate meditation in and of itself. There is ample time to take for myself and my entire family is here, the kids without school today, and both my husband and I have free morning schedules. There is an ease to waking and moving through the luxury of owning our time. As I gaze from where I am sitting in the front of my home I look to the back wall of our bedroom to a meditating buddha illuminated in golden light.
Yesterday I had an incredibly renewing session with my healer, reclaiming lost pieces of my voice from many previous lifetimes. There is an ease to the flow of energy through my body this morning that is in stark contrast to the dancing energy in my third chakra present in my meditations the two previous days. There is a flow all the way up and out of my crown.
The concept of allowing goals in relationship to my newly reformed, stronger, clearer voice is perfectly appealing. I left my healing session yesterday with the clarity of knowing that there is a new structure asking to be created around my writing. There is a story-telling aspect to my writing life and the different blogs I have created to foster it that is wanting acknowledgment and a more precise structure. There is a carving out of time and energy that is asking for clarification. This card, in conjunction with Monday’s looming new moon is the perfect affirmation that these goals are emerging as a part of my process. My job is to continue moving forward and TRUSTING MY PROCESS.
“Wow” is what I uttered as I drew this card from the deck this morning. The stark beauty of this image is striking. As I sit with this card in meditation, I immediately feel my spine elongating– a flow of energy moving out from my crown chakra. Then my attention, like yesterday, comes to my third chakra, which feels as if it’s rhythmically dancing. Sitting with the image there is a feeling of unity– of drawing together things that seem separate– but are not. The illumination of the full moon, shining on the naked figure is a revelation of openness. There is a peace– while acknowledging struggle, a resolve to being in what could be defined as a state of limbo.
Swords represent the element of Air. This is the second day I’ve drawn a sword– it seems I’m moving away from the emotion of watery cups and into the more active, changing element of air. The dancing in my third chakra portends a large shift is on its way. If the work I’ve been doing with my clients of late is any indication (and it always is)– there is a massive clearing of my throat chakra in process. (Not to mention the fact that I’ve been clearing my throat continuously for the last five days). Every piece of me feels poised for this next big shift. I feel as though I’m balancing on a precipice– ready to take flight.
I trust my resources and all that I am surrounded by to help carry me forward. I am strong and resilient and poised to exponentially EXPAND.
As I sit in meditation with this lovely ray of sunshine– I am drawn to my center. I feel the hum and glow of my third chakra– and feel the warmth of it moving into my heart. There is a peace and calm emanating. In connecting with the image of this Queen– I feel an openness and confidence– a unique and grounded forward trajectory. Awakening today, I continue to move into my newness. More of me is present. I feel as if I’ve been cocooned for the last several months– and finally I’ve stepped out into the light, ALL of me– for the first time in a LONG time.
Several days ago I went through a bunch of old photo albums that my mom was letting go of. I removed from them a treasure trove of pictures, mostly of little me, that I wanted to keep and brought them home. The little being I feel most drawn to is my two year old self. She is wildly fierce and unapologetic. She shines brilliantly and confidently. As I reconnect to her I allow her to awaken– and am certain that she a is a large part of the newness in me.
I created an altar of sorts for her on our refrigerator with magnets and magnetic poetry haikus. There is a deep process of reincorporation that is occurring for me, an engagement into a rooted and cellular trust. As I reincorporate my sunny, carefree, baby girl I understand on a cellular level that it is safe to fully express myself. It is challenging to find the words to convey this transformation that is actively occurring– but I will endeavor to continue doing so. I am grateful I’m allowing myself the space to try.
This card speaks of a new beginning, separate from an old reality. He walks with purpose towards his new life– no need for sentiment or looking back. His focus is wholly on what lies ahead. This is perfectly aligned with the energy that surrounds me currently. I took yesterday off from blogging– no drawing, no writing. I went to work in the morning, taught for four hours and then came home and spent several hours sorting, purging, cleaning, laundering and organizing.
This weekend I finally allowed myself to press the RESET button I’ve been desperately wanting to push for weeks. And while our space is far from perfect, it’s beginning to take shape. I can see the outlines and edges of what it will become– and it feels magnificent.
I feel free and unfettered, and like I (and my space) can finally BREATHE again. As I sit here writing, I keep taking massive breaths, sighs of relief, and it feels like the first time I’ve done so in weeks.
Last night I found myself unable to sleep for HOURS. After approximately one of them, I got myself out of bed and allowed my mind and body the satisfaction of continuing to clean and organize our home. It was a little after 3 am when I forced myself back to the bedroom to close my eyes and attempt sleep again. Waking up this morning and moving through our space– it feels tangibly different. There’s an undercurrent that is new and clear and easily ordered. As I unloaded the dishwasher this morning before work (I seriously feel like this was the first time I’ve ever done that– and if it wasn’t– it was close to it)– I had this feeling of finally understanding what it is to be an adult in a whole new way. (It only took me 41 years to get here.)
There is a natural chaos in my process within my home. I move through the space and create complete disarray because my focus is narrow– and fixated on an end goal– and there’s a part of me (I’d say a fairly important part) that isn’t present. There’s a part of me that isn’t acknowledging and respecting the space that surrounds and supports me. I am a different person at work. I NEED order– because I am asking myself to function at a high level. For most of my life I have found myself caught in a place where I unconsciously create a living environment that does not support my highest function.
As our new space unfolds, the underlying order that exists is more powerful than my chaos. It is begging me to maintain it– and I must happily oblige. There’s a new level of consciousness being asked of me, that I am asking of myself. A new part of me is awake and she’s demanding more. She’s asking all of me to step up and take the reigns, and surround myself with what I KNOW i deserve. And somehow, I finally feel SAFE enough to do that.
I just got this amazing new deck yesterday. It makes me feel like it’s my birthday and Christmas morning and all the happy things rolled into one. I could spend hours just sitting with these cards. Another awesome bonus is they have silver edges and shuffling them leaves my hands sparkly. What a perfect metaphor– this deck leaves me sparkly. And those who know me well (or even not-so-well) are probably aware that I’ve got a thing for sparkles.
I sat in meditation for a bit before drawing this card, reflecting on the new beginning that this morning feels like. I plugged in my apple watch just before drawing the card– it has been dormant for two weeks now– since the day I was married. Yes, it’s been two weeks since we made it official. (At some point I promise I’ll stop talking about it– but at the moment it’s still really feeling pertinent).
This draw is all about new beginnings– which is precisely what today feels like. Today I’m re-entering my body in a conscious physical way. (I have literally done no conscious exercise in the last three weeks– and in just a few minutes I’m headed off to a Pilates class.) I am re-entering my home and clearing out all of the debris that is no longer relevant. I am re-entering my life as a bigger, better, more powerful, married ME.