This is another brilliant new deck that just arrived at my door yesterday– the Unicorn is my first pull from it. Each day for me at the moment is a practice in trust and allowance. Though there was no specific question I asked as I shuffled the deck and drew this brilliant creature from it– what tends to be at the forefront of my mind these days is my new path forward. I am acknowledging a shift in consciousness, an enlivening and awakening of my truest self. I am doing the best I can to get out of my own way and open myself up to a larger context. I am asking the thoughts and inner-narrative that drive my worries and fears to take a back seat so that a larger perspective can be gleaned.
As I connect to the unicorn in meditation I am drawn to my third eye, my intuition and knowing. It leads me forward down an endless, spiraling cosmic tunnel and asks me to follow without question. This spiraling meditation of uncertain certainty is one that I will continue to engage with. The unicorn asks me give myself the trust that others bestow upon me. She asks me to BELIEVE in what I see when my eyes are closed. And KNOW what is beyond my ability to reason or articulate. She encourages me to allow my visions to unfold– to acknowledge their power and give them life beyond the confines of my mind. She asks me to acknowledge my limits are defined only by myself. She encourages me to continue to see far BEYOND reason.
I’ve fallen out of my writing practice in the last week– allowing doubt and fear to get the better of me. Today, on this first day following the Scorpio full moon, I renew my commitment to myself and this process of accountability and acknowledgement. I began today with a 13 card spread for the coming year from this deck that is brand new to me, The Wild Unknown. It feels like my deck. Interacting with it feels like coming home.
The seven of wands was the first card I turned over in the 13 card spread, the one that applies for the month ahead. I began sobbing as soon as i connected to it.
The root of my emotion feels connected to my mother and the shedding process she is currently undergoing, which runs parallel to my own. The work that she is doing is clearly work for our lineage. As she releases her burdens she allows my daughter and I to release them as well. She frees us from ever having to carry them.
Yesterday on the full moon in Scorpio she turned 73. The day before she held a yard sale at my house and let go of a massive amount of weight that she had been carrying for years upon years upon years. My mother is a collector. She has always been a collector (at least for the 41 years that I have known her). When I was a child she never made me get rid of anything. There was an attachment to objects that was allowed and even encouraged. I carted around ridiculous pieces of my childhood with me from one coast to another– finally beginning to unravel that process seven years ago when I separated from my first husband.
The single flame on the seven of wands represents our own inner fire. It symbolizes the importance of self-reliance and the falling away of all other things or people. As my mother sheds her past and unburdens herself of all that she has carried for herself and for others throughout her lifetime– I too feel a weight lifting. Her lightening load is mine as well. She gives me courage to move forward through my doubt and fear, guided by my own inner light. I allow that light to shine on my terror. I acknowledge the perfection of my fear and allow my inner light to guide the way. I am grateful for the powerful example my mother is setting. As she steps out on her own brightly lit path without the security of her things, so too do I.
So today I’m sideways as opposed to upside down. I suppose that’s progress…
Sitting in meditation today after drawing this card, my attention was drawn to my heart chakra. I felt massive pressure there, like a huge bubble welling up– wanting to be released but also needing to be felt. I sat with the bubble, connecting to my root and my crown, drawing light into my heart from both directions. I allowed emotion to move, tears streaming down my cheeks. As it flowed, the bubble began to disperse and turn into refracted light, like a sunset spreading wide across my chest, looking exactly like the image in this picture.
This image inspires hope for me. The butterfly beckons me out of my familiar and comfortable rut. In reading about this card, it being turned right is a sign of pushing an action or idea. That resonates. BIG TIME.
Yesterday in acknowledging my terror, I acknowledged also the comfort in pushing. My modus operandi throughout my entire adult life is to push forward and through. There’s something very comforting in the effort of the push. It helps me feel life I’m doing something– the struggle makes me feel alive. In this image the immense beauty is her effortlessness. She is poised and balanced and HELD from all directions, just as she emanates in all directions. The image is exactly what I felt in meditation yesterday… to hold and be held.
“Wow” is what I uttered as I drew this card from the deck this morning. The stark beauty of this image is striking. As I sit with this card in meditation, I immediately feel my spine elongating– a flow of energy moving out from my crown chakra. Then my attention, like yesterday, comes to my third chakra, which feels as if it’s rhythmically dancing. Sitting with the image there is a feeling of unity– of drawing together things that seem separate– but are not. The illumination of the full moon, shining on the naked figure is a revelation of openness. There is a peace– while acknowledging struggle, a resolve to being in what could be defined as a state of limbo.
Swords represent the element of Air. This is the second day I’ve drawn a sword– it seems I’m moving away from the emotion of watery cups and into the more active, changing element of air. The dancing in my third chakra portends a large shift is on its way. If the work I’ve been doing with my clients of late is any indication (and it always is)– there is a massive clearing of my throat chakra in process. (Not to mention the fact that I’ve been clearing my throat continuously for the last five days). Every piece of me feels poised for this next big shift. I feel as though I’m balancing on a precipice– ready to take flight.
I trust my resources and all that I am surrounded by to help carry me forward. I am strong and resilient and poised to exponentially EXPAND.
The simple beauty of this card, having moved through my own personal turmoil yesterday is absolutely perfect. The last week or so of my life I’ve moved slightly south of sacred, engaging in old patterns and habits that don’t serve my highest good. I’ve allowed myself to indulge myself in old routines relating to comfort and safety– mostly with my eating habits. I’ve been gentle with myself in this engagement however, acknowledging the massive transition through which I’ve just moved. Occasionally we all need to plunge into the deep waters of old, familiar patterns in order to remind ourselves why we’ve made the conscious choices we have.
I’m just poking my head above the surface of those waters today– and it feels amazing to honor my conscious choices once again– and move away from the old, rutted patterns. If we allow ourselves to honor the sacredness in everything, we give width and breadth to all that surrounds us. I had the most incredible energy session today with a dear client and friend. I have watched her move through so much in such a short period of time. I have seen her claim herself and honor her process in the most sacred, beautiful ways. This card, and the simple beauty of the wings on it reflects the sacredness of her journey. It reflects the sacredness of ALL of our journeys. I am immensely grateful for the honor of bearing witness to so many people’s sacred space.
I honor the sacredness of my body, this amazing vessel that has managed (despite my best efforts to thwart it at every turn) to persevere and grow stronger. I honor the sacredness of my space as my extended container and protector. I honor the sacredness of my children who are (despite the fact that they are children) phenomenal human beings who I am grateful to know. I honor the sacredness of my business as it offers sanctuary and solitude to those who honor its sacredness. I honor the sacredness of my partnership– as it is larger and more powerful than I could possibly be on my own.
For everything sacred, which is everything, I am grateful.
This powerful image of Psyche holds the promise of new life– shrouded and nestled with birds and holding an egg. Psyche (whom I had never heard of before drawing this card) was first mortal then given immortality after wedding Eros, the Greek God of love. She is said to exemplify a woman’s quest for personal growth– affirming that every piece of our path is important, the dark as well as light.
When I connect to this card and this image of Psyche I feel nestled. It follows the same theme (funny thing about that) of creating and rooting into a home, or nest. In the week before my wedding, three times I saw crows flying above me with branches in their mouths, building. I feel clearly that the space I am occupying in my life is one of building. I am acknowledging my massive root system, which is co-mingling with the massive root system of my husband. (As I write this, he sits next to me writing).
I am building my home. I am building my family. I am building my business. I am building my life. As I move back into and begin to occupy these spaces after the massive ceremonial acknowledgement I feel a protection and assurance that did not exist before. I am whole in a new way. I am actively becoming more and more myself with each passing day.
I must admit, this card hits it right on the head. A woman doing solitary work, head down, focused. Reminds me of someone… Reading about this card it talks about stress around not having enough of something. YES. This card HITS IT. Awesomely though, I feel like before I drew this card I was already beginning to move through this state of worry and solitude.
Today I moved back out into the world, turning from the deep inward spiral of the priestess of cups. And while I was still focused on the work ahead of me, I also turned to friends for help. I feel like that’s what this card doesn’t show– but it’s about to happen… She finishes kneading her bread, gets up and goes into the other room and asks her friends if they’ll help her bake it, or maybe she just lifts her head and calls out for support… Either way, I feel confident she is about to ask for the help she needs.
I feel hope in this card, because I feel hope for myself. Yes, I have a lot of work to do and many things to organize in my head as well as in the actual world. But, I’m beginning to tackle those things by reaching out into all of the support that surrounds me. Moving through my life today was a beautiful affirmation of that support. I’ve spent much of my life afraid to ask for help– and I think often people don’t know how to offer help to me– because I often appear not to need it. But, just like everyone else, I need help, especially right now. And I’m finally learning that asking for it is a highly effective way of getting it.
I am beyond exhausted today– I didn’t do this draw until after my work day– because I didn’t feel capable of doing it before right now. What I read when I drew this card was: “You are called upon to be a loving master of emotional integrity.”
I hope that’s what I’m doing by taking care of myself. I feel as I move through this process of writing two blog posts a day amidst counting down to my wedding (that i’m writing about)– what’s beginning to happen out of necessity is I’m stripping bare. I am unable to hold the space for any pretense or mirage (not that I’m someone with much of that anyway). But, I really feel like I’m exposed to my bones, and it’s incredibly liberating.
I have no idea how many views my posts have today– because it’s too much energy to expend to look. I’ve got to handle the basics here, take care of myself, sleep, eat, see my clients (some of them) and write. I’m doing this for myself. I must not deplete myself for myself. This process must be nourishing. What Karen Vogel says about this card turned right as it was when I drew it is: “She feels a pull to go in a particular direction in her inner world. She needs to be sure she wants to go there.”
I am pulled inside. I will retreat to that space and feel no guilt in going there. I have not written masterful words, I have stayed true to myself and accomplished the task I set forth. The watery cups continue to be my mainstay. I will settle into the emotions and divine feminine that they ask me to acknowledge with gratitude.
There are weird blocks in the roadway this morning. I just had three attempts at adding this picture and caption only to have it subsequently deleted. I felt my frustration mounting as I moved through these attempts and then I took a breath and had a little giggle realizing it was all part of the reversed eight of cups process. The eight of cups reversed speaks to my sense of overwhelm, which is fairly all consuming at the moment.
It’s a bit laughable that at this time in my life when I’m preparing to get married, and hosting as DIY a wedding as you can get that I make the decision to start two new blogs and hold myself accountable for writing a post a day in each of them. It’s absolutely perfect and speaks to who I am. It’s nice to acknowledge it though. I am OVERWHELMED.
This poor sweet purple octopus is busting out all the stops– has pulled out all of her finery, the very best cups. But she is stuck in presenting her finery, unable to move in any direction, because all of her hands are full. And from my reversed perspective, her cups must also all be empty, because they are all upside down. I can’t help but immediately connect to her two little eyes in the center of the picture that look completely bewildered.
I know the feeling. This card reminds me from the outside perspective that I’ve GOT A LOT GOING ON RIGHT NOW. It’s a useful image for me in that it speaks to the importance of delegation. I don’t know about the octopus– but I do know that I have an extensive support system and this card is reminding me of that. I am not this isolated octopus. It’s time for me to tap into my community and ASK FOR HELP. Because I’m not going to stop writing my two blog posts a day– and come hell or high water I am getting married 12 days from today.
There’s nothing like a deck of tarot cards to tell it like it is. The shells continue to hit me with their watery magic– and the reversed draw keeps me honest and pokes at what’s underneath the surface. What strikes me first about this card is how perfectly arranged the shells are in front of the penguin and how proud he is of this arrangement. Just like yesterday’s draw, there is an openness and oneness with the world around him– I am struck by the stardust, just as I was in the image yesterday. This card asks me to take a few steps back, gain a little persective. It says, YES, but…
Yes, I am establishing new habits. Yes, I am holding myself accountable. Yes, I am doing a good job. HOWEVER– to what end? There is a smugness and arrogance in the penguin– which is exactly what a reversed nine of shells (cups) connotes. This card reminds me to stay true to my internal motivations, and to stop getting distracted and wrapped up in EXTERNAL VALIDATION. This is the struggle of my insecure little girl, always seeking that approval from whomever is willing to offer it to her.
It reminds me of the perfect interaction I had with my partner a few days ago– after I published my first post on 18 days and counting. He came home from work and walked into the kitchen as I was cooking dinner. I excitedly said, “I’ve already got 150 views on my first post of the new blog!” He hugged me and said calmly, “baby, how many views you have doesn’t matter, it’s the fact that you published it… AND– that’s AWESOME that you have that many views already.” He re-framed it for me perfectly. And he’s absolutely right, just like this sweet, smug reversed little penguin. I must keep myself in check and remember that although I’m doing a good job– I’m just at the VERY beginning of these new practices. There is SO MUCH TIME that I have to continue putting in consistently not for the feedback I receive from others, but for the growth that I’m allowing myself.
There’s also a beautiful symbolism in the penguin– who flies in the water as opposed to the air. The water, that is so consistently calling me to connect with it, invites me in with the penguin, but acknowledges my fear with the reversed draw. The penguin also is a symbol of balance, being a creature who lives in both Arctic as well as hot climates. That duality is also expressed in the diametric opposition of black and white on its body. It symbolizes the ability to handle and hold space for duality to exist, holding the balance and equilibrium between giving and receiving which is such a present part of my journey. Both penguin and reversed nine of shells also give the message to connect to family– which is beyond appropriate at this juncture for me.
This draw is humbling. I’m reminding myself WHY I’m engaging in this practice and how it is truly benefiting me. (And it has nothing to do with my number of views). I’m engaging in this consistent practice of meditating, writing and publishing because I am a healer and writer, and it is my work. Just like any other discipline, the most important part of it is TIME IN. All the other stuff that comes along with it is just icing on the cake.