higher self

2nd marriage, fountain tarot, healing, love, post a day, prose, tarot, the daily draw, Uncategorized

The Space that Surrounds and Supports Me

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Today’s draw is the Eight of Cups from The Fountain Tarot by Jonathan Saiz, Jason Gruhl, and Andi Todaro.

This card speaks of a new beginning, separate from an old reality. He walks with purpose towards his new life– no need for sentiment or looking back. His focus is wholly on what lies ahead. This is perfectly aligned with the energy that surrounds me currently. I took yesterday off from blogging– no drawing, no writing. I went to work in the morning, taught for four hours and then came home and spent several hours sorting, purging, cleaning, laundering and organizing.

This weekend I finally allowed myself to press the RESET button I’ve been desperately wanting to push for weeks. And while our space is far from perfect, it’s beginning to take shape. I can see the outlines and edges of what it will become– and it feels magnificent.

I feel free and unfettered, and like I (and my space) can finally BREATHE again. As I sit here writing, I keep taking massive breaths, sighs of relief, and it feels like the first time I’ve done so in weeks.

Last night I found myself unable to sleep for HOURS. After approximately one of them, I got myself out of bed and allowed my mind and body the satisfaction of continuing to clean and organize our home. It was a little after 3 am when I forced myself back to the bedroom to close my eyes and attempt sleep again. Waking up this morning and moving through our space– it feels tangibly different. There’s an undercurrent that is new and clear and easily ordered. As I unloaded the dishwasher this morning before work (I seriously feel like this was the first time I’ve ever done that– and if it wasn’t– it was close to it)– I had this feeling of finally understanding what it is to be an adult in a whole new way. (It only took me 41 years to get here.)

There is a natural chaos in my process within my home. I move through the space and create complete disarray because my focus is narrow– and fixated on an end goal– and there’s a part of me (I’d say a fairly important part) that isn’t present. There’s a part of me that isn’t acknowledging and respecting the space that surrounds and supports me. I am a different person at work. I NEED order– because I am asking myself to function at a high level. For most of my life I have found myself caught in a place where I unconsciously create a living environment that does not support my highest function.

As our new space unfolds, the underlying order that exists is more powerful than my chaos. It is begging me to maintain it– and I must happily oblige. There’s a new level of consciousness being asked of me, that I am asking of myself. A new part of me is awake and she’s demanding more. She’s asking all of me to step up and take the reigns, and surround myself with what I KNOW i deserve. And somehow, I finally feel SAFE enough to do that.

joy, love, marriage, post a day, prose, the daily draw, Uncategorized, writing

the MAGNITUDE of ACKNOWLEDGMENT

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Today’s draw is from Sacred Geometry Cards for the Visionary Path by Francene Hart

I had completely forgotten that this deck existed until this morning. I found myself in a neglected corner of my house, one that used to be an altar space that is now a dumping ground for randomness, asking myself “what am I looking for?” BOOM these cards called out to me, greeting  me like a long-lost friend. I remembered buying them out at one of our favorite bookstores on the coast over a year ago and using them just once to create an altar for our family. I immediately disassembled the altar (an untended altar is no altar at all) and made the deck whole again. I didn’t even check in with my other decks. This was the deck for today’s draw.

Drawing this card, the last one in the deck, feels absolutely perfect. Finding the balance between giving and receiving for me has been a life-long journey. Lately however, it feels like I’ve finally turned a corner with it. I finally have a deep understanding of the necessity of receiving in order to be able to hold the necessary space as a healer, mother, partner and business owner. I resonate so completely with the image of the beautiful woman on this card who is one with the sacred geometry that flows through and around her. She is one with the stardust. There is a flow between herself and all of creation. She is a conduit for flow and movement. She is open and allowing.

Creating a structure for my daily writing practice to exist within has opened me to allowing the flow of my writing. Giving my words voice has allowed them to bubble up and out of me with ease. They are begging to be written and I am acknowledging them and allowing them to move through me. For years my practice was ignoring them. Occasionally I would open a small escape valve, a post here and there, a haiku or poem. But ultimately, my firmly entrenched pattern was one of containing– not allowing.

In the years I spent blocking my writing, I was always very conscious of the fact that I was doing so, but also completely unable to change the practice. I would go through fits and spurts but ultimately there was an intangible fear keeping me from allowing the flow of my words. As I ease ever closer to my wedding day– just two weeks from today, I begin to understand the magnitude of the acknowledgement to the world of my union with my partner. I have known intuitively since I laid eyes on him that we were bound to each other– but there are years that have passed from that moment until now, years of patience and trust. The acknowledgment of our bond to the world allows me to trust myself at the root of my being. It allows me to fully step out from my self-imposed shroud and shine as brilliantly as I possibly can. I can finally say with absolute certainty:

I TRUST MYSELF.

I AM SAFE.

love, motherpeace, prose, self-reflection, tarot, the daily draw, transformation, writing

sunshine and roses are not an everyday occurrence…

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Today’s three card draw comes from the Motherpeace tarot deck by Karen Vogel and Vicki Nobel.

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seven of swords reversed, 6 of wands right, hanged one left

Last night I did a three card draw from another deck that was serious SUNSHINE and ROSES. It was over the top AMAZING. I made my partner sit while I read all about the AWESOMENESS that described my life. This morning I woke up and checked in about whether that was the draw I should write about. The answer was a clear: NO, DRAW AGAIN.

The Motherpeace deck called to me this morning, so I did my draw of one card to start, seven of swords reversed. Damn. Not one of those sunshine and roses, inspiration abounds, my life is awesome kind of cards. I guess it can’t always be that. My intellect started trying to get involved– “are you sure that’s your draw? Maybe that’s not really it… Maybe you should draw again.”

Nope. That’s the draw, lady. Sunshine and roses are not an everyday occurrence. This is  what’s lying under the surface. And of course, it’s perfect. As I sat with the card, reversed, depicting a fox outside a hen house, I got the clear message that I needed to draw two more cards, and get a little more context. I drew the six of wands turned right, and the hanged one, turned left. The context is helpful– and absolutely spot on.

The seven of swords is that place I find myself moving away from– the feeling of  scarcity and struggle for resources… A lack of trust in myself as a resource– the continuous fight I engage in with the second-guessing chatter in my brain. The six of wands turned right is POWERFUL. It affirms my leadership and power, even as my brain attempts to undermine it. And the hanged one left represents an ambivalence about slowing down and connecting to my inner world. Yes, Yes, and Yes.

I find myself engaged at the moment in a struggle with myself, hanging onto the desire to placate habits and practices that no longer serve any part of me. I am moving through a massive shift in consciousness and the little girl inside of me just wants to feel COMFORTED AND DRINK COFFEE!!!! But when I allow my brain to override all other senses and engage in the habits that no longer serve me– every single cell in my body immediately screams: “STOP IT!!!”

There is a higher purpose to serve. I must remind my little girl that she is SAFE and that safety and comfort are not the same thing. I am no longer a scared, bewildered, insecure little girl and I can TRUST my surroundings implicitly. I have a partner who is able to hold space for and LOVE the craziest, witchiest me– and his presence keeps me continuously smiling. I am doing my work. I am listening, and honoring my highest good. I am taking small steps every day to move me forward. And I don’t need (or really even want) to drink coffee anymore, dammit.

Waking up is not for the faint of heart.