This card feels like an affirmation of the work I’m doing and the forward trajectory of my path. Though at the moment I feel a bit stuck in the mud and muck– this card assures me that I am on my way. It reminds me to sit with the spaces inside me that feel a little stuck. It assures me that my attention and focus turned toward myself are my most valuable tools.
This brilliant image hits me like a ton of bricks and asks me to get real with myself as I move forward and into the light.
The devil is a card of warning. It is associated with negativity or addiction. As I unmask myself and begin to really step into my true purpose in the world, I can no longer hide behind anything. I have struggled my entire life with a sugar addiction. That may sound insignificant– but I assure you it is NOT.
For the last several weeks I have been addressing this addiction, eliminating all refined sugar from my diet. This card asks me to STEP IT UP. My physical body needs to be completely free of the drug that it craves in order for me to move forward into all that I deserve to inhabit.
For years I have comforted myself by eating sugar. I have allowed sugar to fill the parts of me that feel empty, instead of connecting to what lies underneath the emptiness. I have fed my sugar monster to silence it– but have only made it stronger. I deserve to truly be nourished. I deserve to be free from the pull of this addiction.
I deserve to be motivated by my own sense of well being and power. I’m grateful to this brilliant, devilish goat for calling me out and asking me to truly STEP UP and into my full power– free from the sugar craving monster who resides within me.
Today is day 1: NO SUGAR OF ANY KIND. (that means fruit, dammit– my most favorite treat at the moment). I’ve got this.
I’ve fallen out of my writing practice in the last week– allowing doubt and fear to get the better of me. Today, on this first day following the Scorpio full moon, I renew my commitment to myself and this process of accountability and acknowledgement. I began today with a 13 card spread for the coming year from this deck that is brand new to me, The Wild Unknown. It feels like my deck. Interacting with it feels like coming home.
The seven of wands was the first card I turned over in the 13 card spread, the one that applies for the month ahead. I began sobbing as soon as i connected to it.
The root of my emotion feels connected to my mother and the shedding process she is currently undergoing, which runs parallel to my own. The work that she is doing is clearly work for our lineage. As she releases her burdens she allows my daughter and I to release them as well. She frees us from ever having to carry them.
Yesterday on the full moon in Scorpio she turned 73. The day before she held a yard sale at my house and let go of a massive amount of weight that she had been carrying for years upon years upon years. My mother is a collector. She has always been a collector (at least for the 41 years that I have known her). When I was a child she never made me get rid of anything. There was an attachment to objects that was allowed and even encouraged. I carted around ridiculous pieces of my childhood with me from one coast to another– finally beginning to unravel that process seven years ago when I separated from my first husband.
The single flame on the seven of wands represents our own inner fire. It symbolizes the importance of self-reliance and the falling away of all other things or people. As my mother sheds her past and unburdens herself of all that she has carried for herself and for others throughout her lifetime– I too feel a weight lifting. Her lightening load is mine as well. She gives me courage to move forward through my doubt and fear, guided by my own inner light. I allow that light to shine on my terror. I acknowledge the perfection of my fear and allow my inner light to guide the way. I am grateful for the powerful example my mother is setting. As she steps out on her own brightly lit path without the security of her things, so too do I.
Three of cups is a joyous celebration of community and coming together. Drawing this card reversed reminds me not to get stuck in isolation. I have a tendency to withdraw from my support when fear begins to grip me. As I move through my days right now I am calling upon an immense amount of TRUST to carry me forward. The gentle reminder this card brings: to root into the community that I have built and fostered at body mechanics is golden.
When I take a moment to flip this card right side up I feel a lift of energy– there is a feeling of opening and support. Sitting with the card in reverse helps me to remember to send my energy in both directions– through my roots as well as my crown.
This card fortells of a journey– setting out to shores unknown, a new beginning. This is precisely where I find myself, letting go of the comforting and familiar to set forth into a new paradigm. Drawing it in reverse clearly illustrates my trepidation about this journey.
In describing the reversed status of this card, fountain tarot speaks of a stubborn self-reliance and relying on old patterns of behavior that prevent progress. Yes, Yes, and Y-E-S.
Jumping off of a precipice into unknown waters is SCARY. I am human and not immune to fear. As I do my best to TRUST my process and myself within it, I also acknowledge that I AM MY LARGEST OBSTACLE– and that it’s okay (and absolutely perfect) to be afraid.
I am doing my best to acknowledge my own self-sabotage and recognize old patterns that are no longer serving me. I TRUST myself and my path as it unfolds in front of me. I am ready for this NEW BEGINNING.
Two days later my old friend is back again, reversed, just to keep me honest.
In connecting with this card this morning I felt an instant release of emotion– my heart and my throat chakras releasing into sobs immediately. At first, my intellect was bewildered. Aren’t I doing a good job? Am I seeking external validation? What am I doing WRONG? BINGO. That question in and of itself is my answer.
Yesterday there was some drama in the studio. I was with a client in a private movement session and another instructor was teaching a mat class in the front room. I was completely engrossed in my work with my client when one of the mat class students burst into the equipment room, distressed, and said, “Mandy, can you come in here? something is wrong.” I looked into the next room to see the instructor, my dear friend and colleague, sitting on the floor shaking uncontrollably. I moved away from my client and over to her instantly. I sat with her and helped her ground. I told her she was exactly where she needed to be and that everything was alright.
She has a condition called Addison’s disease. Her body does not produce cortisol, the stress hormone. There are so many small chemical regulations that our bodies are continuously processing that we take for granted– sugars, salts, minerals, hormones. When any one of these small things is off in her body the effects can be catastrophic– it can leave her feeling dizzy, nauseous, and unable to function like a normal human being. It can also make her feel terrified. That’s what she was yesterday. TERRIFIED.
There’s that word again.
I am the woman you want around in a crisis. I will jump to action. I will stay calm. I will remain grounded. It’s what I was made for. In that moment of crisis my entire energy field surrounded the studio and everyone in it in a big bubble of safety. What was important to me above anything else was that she and everyone else in the studio felt safe and taken care of. I may have over-extended myself a bit.
We moved through the trauma, called an ambulance to usher her to the hospital where they could give her fluids and monitor all of her levels. My brilliant assistant went with her. When they left the studio I opened up the garage door to help allow the trauma to move out of the space and immediately re-entered the private session with my client who had waited there, holding space along with everyone else. We did some triage energy work on her heart, the situation having stirred up a lot for her, giving her access to feelings and emotions that her heart had been holding. I rooted into the space and helped her move the emotions. We moved her back into her physical structure and she left the space feeling lighter and more grounded.
I cleared the studio of the trauma after she left, processed it with a couple of the practitioners who were still in the space and moved forward with my day, unaware of a certain level of shock I was operating under. When my husband arrived home I processed through the story with him. He immediately asked me when I was seeing my healer next, he said “You just took a huge impact, and I know you’re strong and you did what you needed to for everyone else, but you need to get ahead of this.”
I heard him intellectually, but couldn’t process what he was saying on any other level. I felt fine– proud even of how I had handled the situation. (uh oh, proud? sounds like ego to me). And thus my uncontrollable sobbing at the right-side-up hanged man this morning.
What The Fountain Tarot says about a reversed hanged man is “business as usual” and that hits the nail on the head. Despite the MASSIVE trauma that occurred in the space yesterday– I moved forward as if I hadn’t been affected by it– taking care of the space and everyone else. Moving forward– making everyone feel safe and protected feels like my job. And maybe it is to a certain extent– as long as I’m being honest with myself, and acknowledging my own needs.
I am grateful to the incredible community of people who held space in the studio yesterday. I am grateful for the immense wisdom of my partner, his gentle but firm loving guidance, helping me acknowledge the truth. I am also grateful to this daily meditation practice.
Yesterday was HARD. I AM someone you want around in a crisis, I WILL be calm and grounded. I WILL take care of everyone else– but I cannot do that at my own expense.
Today I will take time for myself. I will allow myself to process and release the trauma of yesterday. I will remember that I am held, even when I’m holding. I will remind myself to TAKE MY OWN ADVICE– it’s actually pretty spot-on.
So today I’m sideways as opposed to upside down. I suppose that’s progress…
Sitting in meditation today after drawing this card, my attention was drawn to my heart chakra. I felt massive pressure there, like a huge bubble welling up– wanting to be released but also needing to be felt. I sat with the bubble, connecting to my root and my crown, drawing light into my heart from both directions. I allowed emotion to move, tears streaming down my cheeks. As it flowed, the bubble began to disperse and turn into refracted light, like a sunset spreading wide across my chest, looking exactly like the image in this picture.
This image inspires hope for me. The butterfly beckons me out of my familiar and comfortable rut. In reading about this card, it being turned right is a sign of pushing an action or idea. That resonates. BIG TIME.
Yesterday in acknowledging my terror, I acknowledged also the comfort in pushing. My modus operandi throughout my entire adult life is to push forward and through. There’s something very comforting in the effort of the push. It helps me feel life I’m doing something– the struggle makes me feel alive. In this image the immense beauty is her effortlessness. She is poised and balanced and HELD from all directions, just as she emanates in all directions. The image is exactly what I felt in meditation yesterday… to hold and be held.
One week ago I drew this same card. Again I begin my week with a vast horizon in front of me. I am being ask to step up and into something entirely new and unknown. This card speaks of abandoning the familiar and trusting the foundation in order to move forward and create anew. As I sit with it in meditation I feel a calmness. This image is comforting. It is the forward journey into the unknown that feels absolutely undeniable.
I leave behind the constructs of the past that have held me down and kept me believing I was smaller and less capable than I am. I let go of the belief that there are limits to what and how I can achieve. I fully invest in the exponential expansion of myself as my most powerful and productive resource. I am ready to call in the power of my voice and all that comes with it.
As I sit in meditation with this lovely ray of sunshine– I am drawn to my center. I feel the hum and glow of my third chakra– and feel the warmth of it moving into my heart. There is a peace and calm emanating. In connecting with the image of this Queen– I feel an openness and confidence– a unique and grounded forward trajectory. Awakening today, I continue to move into my newness. More of me is present. I feel as if I’ve been cocooned for the last several months– and finally I’ve stepped out into the light, ALL of me– for the first time in a LONG time.
Several days ago I went through a bunch of old photo albums that my mom was letting go of. I removed from them a treasure trove of pictures, mostly of little me, that I wanted to keep and brought them home. The little being I feel most drawn to is my two year old self. She is wildly fierce and unapologetic. She shines brilliantly and confidently. As I reconnect to her I allow her to awaken– and am certain that she a is a large part of the newness in me.
I created an altar of sorts for her on our refrigerator with magnets and magnetic poetry haikus. There is a deep process of reincorporation that is occurring for me, an engagement into a rooted and cellular trust. As I reincorporate my sunny, carefree, baby girl I understand on a cellular level that it is safe to fully express myself. It is challenging to find the words to convey this transformation that is actively occurring– but I will endeavor to continue doing so. I am grateful I’m allowing myself the space to try.
This card speaks of a new beginning, separate from an old reality. He walks with purpose towards his new life– no need for sentiment or looking back. His focus is wholly on what lies ahead. This is perfectly aligned with the energy that surrounds me currently. I took yesterday off from blogging– no drawing, no writing. I went to work in the morning, taught for four hours and then came home and spent several hours sorting, purging, cleaning, laundering and organizing.
This weekend I finally allowed myself to press the RESET button I’ve been desperately wanting to push for weeks. And while our space is far from perfect, it’s beginning to take shape. I can see the outlines and edges of what it will become– and it feels magnificent.
I feel free and unfettered, and like I (and my space) can finally BREATHE again. As I sit here writing, I keep taking massive breaths, sighs of relief, and it feels like the first time I’ve done so in weeks.
Last night I found myself unable to sleep for HOURS. After approximately one of them, I got myself out of bed and allowed my mind and body the satisfaction of continuing to clean and organize our home. It was a little after 3 am when I forced myself back to the bedroom to close my eyes and attempt sleep again. Waking up this morning and moving through our space– it feels tangibly different. There’s an undercurrent that is new and clear and easily ordered. As I unloaded the dishwasher this morning before work (I seriously feel like this was the first time I’ve ever done that– and if it wasn’t– it was close to it)– I had this feeling of finally understanding what it is to be an adult in a whole new way. (It only took me 41 years to get here.)
There is a natural chaos in my process within my home. I move through the space and create complete disarray because my focus is narrow– and fixated on an end goal– and there’s a part of me (I’d say a fairly important part) that isn’t present. There’s a part of me that isn’t acknowledging and respecting the space that surrounds and supports me. I am a different person at work. I NEED order– because I am asking myself to function at a high level. For most of my life I have found myself caught in a place where I unconsciously create a living environment that does not support my highest function.
As our new space unfolds, the underlying order that exists is more powerful than my chaos. It is begging me to maintain it– and I must happily oblige. There’s a new level of consciousness being asked of me, that I am asking of myself. A new part of me is awake and she’s demanding more. She’s asking all of me to step up and take the reigns, and surround myself with what I KNOW i deserve. And somehow, I finally feel SAFE enough to do that.