accountability

healing, post a day, prose, self-reflection, tarot, the daily draw, The Wild Unknown Tarot, transformation, Uncategorized

Her lightening load is mine

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Today’s draw is the seven of wands from The Wild Unknown Tarot by Kim Krans.

I’ve fallen out of my writing practice in the last week– allowing doubt and fear to get the better of me. Today, on this first day following the Scorpio full moon, I renew my commitment to myself and this process of accountability and acknowledgement. I began today with a 13 card spread for the coming year from this deck that is brand new to me, The Wild Unknown. It feels like my deck. Interacting with it feels like coming home.

The seven of wands was the first card I turned over in the 13 card spread, the one that applies for the month ahead. I began sobbing as soon as i connected to it.

The root of my emotion feels connected to my mother and the shedding process she is currently undergoing, which runs parallel to my own. The work that she is doing is clearly work for our lineage. As she releases her burdens she allows my daughter and I to release them as well. She frees us from ever having to carry them.

Yesterday on the full moon in Scorpio she turned 73. The day before she held a yard sale at my house and let go of a massive amount of weight that she had been carrying for years upon years upon years. My mother is a collector. She has always been a collector (at least for the 41 years that I have known her). When I was a child she never made me get rid of anything. There was an attachment to objects that was allowed and even encouraged. I carted around ridiculous pieces of my childhood with me from one coast to another– finally beginning to unravel that process seven years ago when I separated from my first husband.

The single flame on the seven of wands represents our own inner fire. It symbolizes the importance of self-reliance and the falling away of all other things or people. As my mother sheds her past and unburdens herself of all that she has carried for herself and for others throughout her lifetime– I too feel a weight lifting. Her lightening load is mine as well. She gives me courage to move forward through my doubt and fear, guided by my own inner light. I allow that light to shine on my terror. I acknowledge the perfection of my fear and allow my inner light to guide the way. I am grateful for the powerful example my mother is setting. As she steps out on her own brightly lit path without the security of her things, so too do I.

2nd marriage, healing, love, post a day, prose, self-reflection, the daily draw, Uncategorized, writing

Slightly South of Sacred

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Today’s card comes from The Sacred Journey deck by Cheryl Thiele.

The simple beauty of this card, having moved through my own personal turmoil yesterday is absolutely perfect. The last week or so of my life I’ve moved slightly south of sacred, engaging in old patterns and habits that don’t serve my highest good. I’ve allowed myself to indulge myself in old routines relating to comfort and safety– mostly with my eating habits. I’ve been gentle with myself in this engagement however, acknowledging the massive transition through which I’ve just moved. Occasionally we all need to plunge into the deep waters of old, familiar patterns in order to remind ourselves why we’ve made the conscious choices we have.

I’m just poking my head above the surface of those waters today– and it feels amazing to honor my conscious choices once again– and move away from the old, rutted patterns. If we allow ourselves to honor the sacredness in everything, we give width and breadth to all that surrounds us. I had the most incredible energy session today with a dear client and friend. I have watched her move through so much in such a short period of time. I have seen her claim herself and honor her process in the most sacred, beautiful ways. This card, and the simple beauty of the wings on it reflects the sacredness of her journey. It reflects the sacredness of ALL of our journeys. I am immensely grateful for the honor of bearing witness to so many people’s sacred space.

I honor the sacredness of my body, this amazing vessel that has managed (despite my best efforts to thwart it at every turn) to persevere and grow stronger. I honor the sacredness of my space as my extended container and protector. I honor the sacredness of my children who are (despite the fact that they are children) phenomenal human beings who I am grateful to know. I honor the sacredness of my business as it offers sanctuary and solitude to those who honor its sacredness. I honor the sacredness of my partnership– as it is larger and more powerful than I could possibly be on my own.

For everything sacred, which is everything, I am grateful.

 

healing, post a day, prose, self-reflection, the daily draw, Uncategorized

my POWERFUL SELF

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Today’s draw is from Animal Spirits Knowledge Cards with paintings by Susan Seddon Boulet.

This brilliant lion greeted me for my draw bright and early this morning. As I was falling asleep last night I had the sense that today I would be drawing from this deck. Yesterday I had a session with my healer. Towards the end of my session he acknowledged all of my guides commenting “it’s like a zoo in here.” I had to smile in agreement. My connection with nature is resonant– and nature has been showing up in full force as of late to let me know its got my back.

I have always loved cats. As I began writing this my sweet girl kitty came up and sat down right next to me. A couple of years ago I did a guided journey with my healer and Tiger showed up to be with me and walk alongside me through the journey, at times taking me on her back. She presented herself to me as a powerful ally and thus began what could be called my tiger obsession.

It’s not hard to contextualize what I’m talking about when I refer to my tiger obsession if you’ve walked into my home. From the place where I’m sitting right now in my living room I can see six different tigers without moving a muscle, and I happen to know additionally there’s a tiger as well as a lion on the pillow that the small of my back is resting on. So… yeah, I’ve got a thing for big cats. Jaguars, leopards, and this beautiful powerful sunlit lion whose image sits before me.

Lions symbolize strength, power and courage. They are often associated with the sun. I love the gentle ease of this powerful protector. The presence of lion in my draw today is comforting. He helps keep me feeling grounded and taken care of. My lessons of late are very much centered around claiming and owning my power. Each step I take towards owning that in every situation I have a choice to make, helps me step more solidly into my power. Lion’s presence affirms those clear and conscious forward steps into ownership of my POWERFUL SELF.

motherpeace, post a day, prose, self-reflection, tarot, the daily draw, Uncategorized, writing

exposed to my bones

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Today’s draw is the priestess of cups turned right from Motherpeace tarot by Karen Vogel and Vicki Noble

I am beyond exhausted today– I didn’t do this draw until after my work day– because I didn’t feel capable of doing it before right now. What I read when I drew this card was: “You are called upon to be a loving master of emotional integrity.”

I hope that’s what I’m doing by taking care of myself. I feel as I move through this process of writing two blog posts a day amidst counting down to my wedding (that i’m writing about)– what’s beginning to happen out of necessity is I’m stripping bare. I am unable to hold the space for any pretense or mirage (not that I’m someone with much of that anyway). But, I really feel like I’m exposed to my bones, and it’s incredibly liberating.

I have no idea how many views my posts have today– because it’s too much energy to expend to look. I’ve got to handle the basics here, take care of myself, sleep, eat, see my clients (some of them) and write. I’m doing this for myself. I must not deplete myself for myself. This process must be nourishing. What Karen Vogel says about this card turned right as it was when I drew it is: “She feels a pull to go in a particular direction in her inner world. She needs to be sure she wants to go there.”

I am pulled inside. I will retreat to that space and feel no guilt in going there. I have not written masterful words, I have stayed true to myself and accomplished the task I set forth. The watery cups continue to be my mainstay. I will settle into the emotions and divine feminine that they ask me to acknowledge with gratitude.

healing, post a day, prose, self-reflection, tarot, the daily draw, Uncategorized, writing

Struck by the Stardust

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Today’s draw is the nine of shells reversed from Spiritsong Tarot by Paulina Cassidy.

There’s nothing like a deck of tarot cards to tell it like it is. The shells continue to hit me with their watery magic– and the reversed draw keeps me honest and pokes at what’s underneath the surface. What strikes me first about this card is how perfectly arranged the shells are in front of the penguin and how proud he is of this arrangement. Just like yesterday’s draw, there is an openness and oneness with the world around him– I am struck by the stardust, just as I was in the image yesterday. This card asks me to take a few steps back, gain a little persective. It says, YES, but…

Yes, I am establishing new habits. Yes, I am holding myself accountable. Yes, I am doing a good job. HOWEVER– to what end? There is a smugness and arrogance in the penguin– which is exactly what a reversed nine of shells (cups) connotes. This card reminds me to stay true to my internal motivations, and to stop getting distracted and wrapped up in EXTERNAL VALIDATION. This is the struggle of my insecure little girl, always seeking that approval from whomever is willing to offer it to her.

It reminds me of the perfect interaction I had with my partner a few days ago– after I published my first post on 18 days and counting. He came home from work and walked into the kitchen as I was cooking dinner. I excitedly said, “I’ve already got 150 views on my first post of the new blog!” He hugged me and said calmly, “baby, how many views you have doesn’t matter, it’s the fact that you published it… AND– that’s AWESOME that you have that many views already.” He re-framed it for me perfectly. And he’s absolutely right, just like this sweet, smug reversed little penguin. I must keep myself in check and remember that although I’m doing a good job– I’m just at the VERY beginning of these new practices. There is SO MUCH TIME that I have to continue putting in consistently not for the feedback I receive from others, but for the growth that I’m allowing myself.

There’s also a beautiful symbolism in the penguin– who flies in the water as opposed to the air. The water, that is so consistently calling me to connect with it, invites me in with the penguin, but acknowledges my fear with the reversed draw. The penguin also is a symbol of balance, being a creature who lives in both Arctic as well as hot climates. That duality is also expressed in the diametric opposition of black and white on its body. It symbolizes the ability to handle and hold space for duality to exist, holding the balance and equilibrium between giving and receiving which is such a present part of my journey. Both penguin and reversed nine of shells also give the message to connect to family– which is beyond appropriate at this juncture for me.

This draw is humbling. I’m reminding myself WHY I’m engaging in this practice and how it is truly benefiting me. (And it has nothing to do with my number of views). I’m engaging in this consistent practice of meditating, writing and publishing because I am a healer and writer, and it is my work. Just like any other discipline, the most important part of it is TIME IN. All the other stuff that comes along with it is just icing on the cake.

 

joy, love, marriage, post a day, prose, the daily draw, Uncategorized, writing

the MAGNITUDE of ACKNOWLEDGMENT

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Today’s draw is from Sacred Geometry Cards for the Visionary Path by Francene Hart

I had completely forgotten that this deck existed until this morning. I found myself in a neglected corner of my house, one that used to be an altar space that is now a dumping ground for randomness, asking myself “what am I looking for?” BOOM these cards called out to me, greeting  me like a long-lost friend. I remembered buying them out at one of our favorite bookstores on the coast over a year ago and using them just once to create an altar for our family. I immediately disassembled the altar (an untended altar is no altar at all) and made the deck whole again. I didn’t even check in with my other decks. This was the deck for today’s draw.

Drawing this card, the last one in the deck, feels absolutely perfect. Finding the balance between giving and receiving for me has been a life-long journey. Lately however, it feels like I’ve finally turned a corner with it. I finally have a deep understanding of the necessity of receiving in order to be able to hold the necessary space as a healer, mother, partner and business owner. I resonate so completely with the image of the beautiful woman on this card who is one with the sacred geometry that flows through and around her. She is one with the stardust. There is a flow between herself and all of creation. She is a conduit for flow and movement. She is open and allowing.

Creating a structure for my daily writing practice to exist within has opened me to allowing the flow of my writing. Giving my words voice has allowed them to bubble up and out of me with ease. They are begging to be written and I am acknowledging them and allowing them to move through me. For years my practice was ignoring them. Occasionally I would open a small escape valve, a post here and there, a haiku or poem. But ultimately, my firmly entrenched pattern was one of containing– not allowing.

In the years I spent blocking my writing, I was always very conscious of the fact that I was doing so, but also completely unable to change the practice. I would go through fits and spurts but ultimately there was an intangible fear keeping me from allowing the flow of my words. As I ease ever closer to my wedding day– just two weeks from today, I begin to understand the magnitude of the acknowledgement to the world of my union with my partner. I have known intuitively since I laid eyes on him that we were bound to each other– but there are years that have passed from that moment until now, years of patience and trust. The acknowledgment of our bond to the world allows me to trust myself at the root of my being. It allows me to fully step out from my self-imposed shroud and shine as brilliantly as I possibly can. I can finally say with absolute certainty:

I TRUST MYSELF.

I AM SAFE.

healing, joy, motherpeace, prose, tarot, Uncategorized, writing

life springs forth all around me

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Today’s draw is the daughter of wands from the motherpeace tarot deck by Karen Vogel and Vicki Noble.

I woke up this morning to the sounds of birds in the tree outside my window. “Those are springtime birds,” said the voice in my head. The world feels alive and radiant this morning– and this card reflects that radiance perfectly. As I sat in meditation with this card I heard a chicken in my backyard laying an egg. Life springs forth all around me– and I feel I am no exception– I am bursting forth with LIFE!!!

The image on this card feels three dimensional– her joyful leap propelling her off the card and into unknown adventures. She is flanked by a unicorn and three cranes– all emanating youthful exuberance. Behind her is a cave, flowers by the unobscured entrance– making it feel to me like an opportunity, a portal to wherever she chooses to bound towards. She’s also making noise with every move she makes, bangles on both her wrists and ankles. She is unapologetic and truly allowing her path to unfold joyfully before her.

I rejoice in this card and am honored to have drawn it. Each new day I am leaping forward into life which I am continuously creating.

healing, motherpeace, prose, self-reflection, tarot, the daily draw, Uncategorized, writing

creating the practice

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Today’s draw is the six of wands from the motherpeace tarot deck by Karen Vogel and Vicki Nobel.

When I was called to draw from the motherpeace deck this morning I prepared myself for a raw and real draw– as motherpeace is good at providing. I’ve drawn from Spiritsong for the last several days and it has a gentle, loving hand even when the cards are reversed. Motherpeace tells it like it is. I was happy to see my old friend the six of wands. She affirms the massive shift in my habits and patterns over the last several weeks, and the last week in particular.

For YEARS I have had the continuous pressing message from the universe to WRITE. I’ve had flirtations with it– and at times the best of intentions. But for the most part I have kept a lid on my words, never giving them shape or form, keeping them silent but persistent– a constant banging in my brain. For the last week I have written and published every single day. I realize a week of writing is not a monumental achievement– but it feels important to acknowledge the small steps. I am creating the practice. And as that practice solidifies, my words take on a life of their own and let me know where they need to go.

These daily draws are difficult for me in the fact that they are far from masterful pieces of writing. However, I recognize that their purpose is not to be masterful. Their purpose is to affirm a practice of meditation, writing and publishing. And they are doing exactly that. They are helping to move me forward in the direction I’ve been wanting to go. They make me feel like I deserve to call myself a writer– because I am active in my practice– and I am exposing my raw, un-masterful underbelly.

The six of wands tells me to keep going. She represents success and affirmation from my community. She is exposing herself to the world, laying herself bare, taking her place in the ring of fire. And it is from her vulnerability that she derives her POWER. I feel a massive shift in my momentum, a turn of the tides where I’m no longer pushing up against my own resistance. I have turned my back to my perceived struggle and am allowing all of the energy I expended upon it to buoy me forward. I am exactly where I need to be.

 

healing, prose, self-reflection, tarot, the daily draw, transformation, Uncategorized, writing

the balance i am seeking

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Today’s draw is the Knight of Shells from Spiritsong Tarot by Paulina Cassidy.

I am certainly beginning to notice a theme with the shells, this being the third shell I’ve drawn in the last four days. Shells are equivalent to cups in other tarot decks. They represent the element of water and are tied to the energy of emotions and imagination. The water theme seems particularly relevant to me as I have just in the last couple of months made a deep connection to water, after spending a lifetime being ruled by FIRE (and being fairly terrified of water).

When I was a small child, under the age of ten, we had a pool in our back yard. I can remember at one point as a very young, probably 3 year old child being deathly afraid of the water, clinging to my mother desperately anytime I went anywhere near it. And then because of that pool and my daily summer adventures in it, I gradually let go of that fear and began to embrace the ease and flow of being one with the water. I turned into a water bug, pushing myself to extend the amount of time I could hold my breath, turning myself around and around doing underwater somersaults– trying to continuously push past my previous count.

Then at the end of the summer before my sixth grade year we were having a big party and one of my brother’s friends was vacuuming the pool in preparation and ripped a hole in the bottom of the lining. There went our pool, and with it my comfort and trust of the water slowly faded. To this day I have an intangible fear of water. I am a competent swimmer– but have a deeply rooted irrational fear of being in water. I’m working on it, and as strange as it may seem, these shell cards seem to be helping.

The first thing that strikes me about this card is how grounded the flamingo is in the water. It is exactly the balance I am striving for as I attempt to incorporate the element of water with my fiery undercurrents. Unlike the other two shell cards I have drawn, this card feels like it blends a rooted stability and the allowance of the flow of currents. It affirms the balance I am seeking in all aspects of myself, emotion and intellect, masculine and feminine, giving and receiving, holding on and letting go…

healing, prose, self-reflection, tarot, Uncategorized, writing

Turning something on its head is often exactly what we need to do

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Today’s draw is the Starfish eight of shells reversed from Spiritsong Tarot by Paulina Cassidy

Each time I draw a reversed card I feel like I have failed. As I shuffle the cards, I am so in my head about the draw, and whether it’s going to be upright or reversed, that undeniably the universe is giving me exactly what I need: LOTS OF UPSIDE DOWN CARDS. Get over it, Mandy. Move past it. Having a reversed card does not mean that you’ve failed. Turning something on its head is often EXACTLY what we need to do.

The starfish symbolizes renewal and healing. Starfish have the ability to regenerate limbs, as well as willfully detach limbs, to distract or disengage predators. The message of the reversed starfish is about putting yourself first and not ignoring your own happiness. Fair enough. This is one of my things– a lesson that keeps popping up and refuses to leave me alone until I really am prioritizing myself in all aspects of my life.

As I sit with this card I connect into the ease and flow of water. I feel the gentle, lulling rhythm of the ocean, and I hear the words “forgive yourself.” I could plaster those words across my entire life fittingly. There is no aspect of my life in which I couldn’t use just a little bit of forgiveness from myself. The REVERSED (and that’s okay) starfish reminds me to stay present with ALL of myself, to ground myself not just for the sake of others, but for MYSELF, to disengage from the chatter in my brain, and to forgive myself. Because just like everyone else I am far from perfect and I deserve my own forgiveness.