Taking a moment with this card after drawing it I feel certain it represents my mother, feeling an immediate pull into my heart. She is in the forefront of my mind of late as she continues to lighten her load and mine along with it. There is a protectiveness that this lovely swan offers– almost to the point of self-sacrifice. There is a loving, nurturing empathy offered without expectation. This is truly the embodiment of my mother.
As I continue to witness her process I also continue to feel its affects in my own life. It becomes easier for me to trust myself and my surrounding community. This card encourages me to continue to trust myself and my intuition, allowing connection with the world that I am surrounded by without fear or reticence. I am grateful for my mother’s steadfast example of the embodiment of unconditional love.
The Scorpio full moon had a large effect on all aspects of my family. Drawing the son of cups this morning I sat with it and immediately felt an opening in my heart and throat chakras. The question in the back of my mind since I awoke this morning was “how do I keep my mind from worry?” I felt quickly that the son of cups represented my husband.
We have been married for a little over a month now. As each day passes a deeper shedding and opening occurs. The solidifying of our union allows both of us an access to more power. We have closed other doors, and opened this one WIDE. Our energies are more focused and deliberate. We are allowing ourselves to love one another and occupy our love fully.
I drew a second card for further guidance on the first. These two cards create a harmony, representing the symmetry of our partnership. The son of cups has an energetic drawing up, while temperance is grounding. There is a romantic and idealistic sense that the watery, emotional son of cups exudes that temperance gently balances, with the union of fire and water. These cards feel to me like a reminder to utilize the power and energy our sacrament offers us.
Our whole is far greater than the sum of its parts.
As I sit with it in meditation I feel a bubbling up of excitement and joy through my body. I have spent the last several days navigating my resistance, acknowledging my terror, and allowing myself to be held– and this card feels like the perfect reward for my diligent work.
My mother, daughter and I had a ceremony yesterday for my Grandmother (my mother’s mother). She died when I was three, and I have one memory of her lying in a hospital bed with tubes in her nose. It was a terrifying image for a three year old, and one that is emblazoned in my brain. My mother has carried her ashes around for the last 38 years.
Yesterday she finally unburdened herself– and this card speaks to a rebirth of our lineage. We brought my grandmother’s ashes down to the Willamette river and scattered them there– sending her out to the Pacific. It was simple and easy. My mom showed my daughter pictures of her mother. She recounted simple stories about who her mother was, and the struggles she encountered. We set her spirit free– and released ourselves from her struggles.
Today all of us step forward on a new path. It is a rebirth for each of us as individuals and for our lineage. The four of us share the name Louise, which means “renowned warrior.” All four of us have an intense fight within us– the fire in this image perfectly depicts our nature. As we move forward we carry the fierce warrior with us but release the struggle. We allow ourselves to be held and supported. We honor the struggle that came before us– and balance the intensity of our fire with the movement and continuous flow of water.
As I sit in meditation with this lovely ray of sunshine– I am drawn to my center. I feel the hum and glow of my third chakra– and feel the warmth of it moving into my heart. There is a peace and calm emanating. In connecting with the image of this Queen– I feel an openness and confidence– a unique and grounded forward trajectory. Awakening today, I continue to move into my newness. More of me is present. I feel as if I’ve been cocooned for the last several months– and finally I’ve stepped out into the light, ALL of me– for the first time in a LONG time.
Several days ago I went through a bunch of old photo albums that my mom was letting go of. I removed from them a treasure trove of pictures, mostly of little me, that I wanted to keep and brought them home. The little being I feel most drawn to is my two year old self. She is wildly fierce and unapologetic. She shines brilliantly and confidently. As I reconnect to her I allow her to awaken– and am certain that she a is a large part of the newness in me.
I created an altar of sorts for her on our refrigerator with magnets and magnetic poetry haikus. There is a deep process of reincorporation that is occurring for me, an engagement into a rooted and cellular trust. As I reincorporate my sunny, carefree, baby girl I understand on a cellular level that it is safe to fully express myself. It is challenging to find the words to convey this transformation that is actively occurring– but I will endeavor to continue doing so. I am grateful I’m allowing myself the space to try.
This card speaks of a new beginning, separate from an old reality. He walks with purpose towards his new life– no need for sentiment or looking back. His focus is wholly on what lies ahead. This is perfectly aligned with the energy that surrounds me currently. I took yesterday off from blogging– no drawing, no writing. I went to work in the morning, taught for four hours and then came home and spent several hours sorting, purging, cleaning, laundering and organizing.
This weekend I finally allowed myself to press the RESET button I’ve been desperately wanting to push for weeks. And while our space is far from perfect, it’s beginning to take shape. I can see the outlines and edges of what it will become– and it feels magnificent.
I feel free and unfettered, and like I (and my space) can finally BREATHE again. As I sit here writing, I keep taking massive breaths, sighs of relief, and it feels like the first time I’ve done so in weeks.
Last night I found myself unable to sleep for HOURS. After approximately one of them, I got myself out of bed and allowed my mind and body the satisfaction of continuing to clean and organize our home. It was a little after 3 am when I forced myself back to the bedroom to close my eyes and attempt sleep again. Waking up this morning and moving through our space– it feels tangibly different. There’s an undercurrent that is new and clear and easily ordered. As I unloaded the dishwasher this morning before work (I seriously feel like this was the first time I’ve ever done that– and if it wasn’t– it was close to it)– I had this feeling of finally understanding what it is to be an adult in a whole new way. (It only took me 41 years to get here.)
There is a natural chaos in my process within my home. I move through the space and create complete disarray because my focus is narrow– and fixated on an end goal– and there’s a part of me (I’d say a fairly important part) that isn’t present. There’s a part of me that isn’t acknowledging and respecting the space that surrounds and supports me. I am a different person at work. I NEED order– because I am asking myself to function at a high level. For most of my life I have found myself caught in a place where I unconsciously create a living environment that does not support my highest function.
As our new space unfolds, the underlying order that exists is more powerful than my chaos. It is begging me to maintain it– and I must happily oblige. There’s a new level of consciousness being asked of me, that I am asking of myself. A new part of me is awake and she’s demanding more. She’s asking all of me to step up and take the reigns, and surround myself with what I KNOW i deserve. And somehow, I finally feel SAFE enough to do that.
I just got this amazing new deck yesterday. It makes me feel like it’s my birthday and Christmas morning and all the happy things rolled into one. I could spend hours just sitting with these cards. Another awesome bonus is they have silver edges and shuffling them leaves my hands sparkly. What a perfect metaphor– this deck leaves me sparkly. And those who know me well (or even not-so-well) are probably aware that I’ve got a thing for sparkles.
I sat in meditation for a bit before drawing this card, reflecting on the new beginning that this morning feels like. I plugged in my apple watch just before drawing the card– it has been dormant for two weeks now– since the day I was married. Yes, it’s been two weeks since we made it official. (At some point I promise I’ll stop talking about it– but at the moment it’s still really feeling pertinent).
This draw is all about new beginnings– which is precisely what today feels like. Today I’m re-entering my body in a conscious physical way. (I have literally done no conscious exercise in the last three weeks– and in just a few minutes I’m headed off to a Pilates class.) I am re-entering my home and clearing out all of the debris that is no longer relevant. I am re-entering my life as a bigger, better, more powerful, married ME.
Yesterday I did not draw, nor did I write. I laid in bed ALL DAY LONG. I went to bed the night before well aware that my body was fighting– but with the hope that I might be able to “sleep it off.” Sleep it off, I did not. I woke up a couple of hours into my sleep with a RAGING sore throat. I tried all of my witchy remedies. I wrapped my neck in a scarf, poured a Chinese linament on my throat, and secured a rose quartz stone in between the scarf and myself– well aware that my 6:15 am class was not something I was going to be able to “push through.” At 3 am I texted my clients to let them know they could get some extra sleep in the morning– and tried to do the same.
My body is moving through its cycle. It’s done such an incredible job over the last month, moving forward, pushing through, getting it done. It is acknowledging its breaking point– forcing me to take a knee. And just thirty six hours later, having taken that knee, I feel much better.
Today’s card is all about those cycles that are inherently present in our lives that we are continuously moving through. There are the constant and continuous cycles that are always present, the waxing and waning of the moon, the changing of the seasons. Then there are those larger, personal cycles, birthdays, graduations, acknowledging changes in relationships, GETTING MARRIED and such.
There is a massive purge that has been building and insinuating itself for MONTHS in my home. This space is bursting at the seams. It is BEGGING to be toppled and rebuilt. I have been keeping it at bay for the last two weeks. It’s as if it is a living, breathing thing and it’s aware that the wedding is OVER– and pestering me to PAY ATTENTION to it. This weekend there is finally time to be given to completing a cycle in OUR home. Yes, technically it has been OUR home for almost three years now– but everything is different now. There is an ownership that WE have over this space that trumps anything previous.
I honor the sacredness of this new beginning we are making as a family of four. I honor the closing of the cycle as our family of three. I honor this space as our sacred container and can’t wait to dive in this weekend and MAKE it SING!!!!
The simple beauty of this card, having moved through my own personal turmoil yesterday is absolutely perfect. The last week or so of my life I’ve moved slightly south of sacred, engaging in old patterns and habits that don’t serve my highest good. I’ve allowed myself to indulge myself in old routines relating to comfort and safety– mostly with my eating habits. I’ve been gentle with myself in this engagement however, acknowledging the massive transition through which I’ve just moved. Occasionally we all need to plunge into the deep waters of old, familiar patterns in order to remind ourselves why we’ve made the conscious choices we have.
I’m just poking my head above the surface of those waters today– and it feels amazing to honor my conscious choices once again– and move away from the old, rutted patterns. If we allow ourselves to honor the sacredness in everything, we give width and breadth to all that surrounds us. I had the most incredible energy session today with a dear client and friend. I have watched her move through so much in such a short period of time. I have seen her claim herself and honor her process in the most sacred, beautiful ways. This card, and the simple beauty of the wings on it reflects the sacredness of her journey. It reflects the sacredness of ALL of our journeys. I am immensely grateful for the honor of bearing witness to so many people’s sacred space.
I honor the sacredness of my body, this amazing vessel that has managed (despite my best efforts to thwart it at every turn) to persevere and grow stronger. I honor the sacredness of my space as my extended container and protector. I honor the sacredness of my children who are (despite the fact that they are children) phenomenal human beings who I am grateful to know. I honor the sacredness of my business as it offers sanctuary and solitude to those who honor its sacredness. I honor the sacredness of my partnership– as it is larger and more powerful than I could possibly be on my own.
For everything sacred, which is everything, I am grateful.
I made this draw in the morning during the few spare moments I had between my early morning class and taking my kids to the doctor and the dentist. I first drew the seven of swords, an old friend from a few weeks back. I remember the last time I drew this guy I was horrified, because just the night before I’d had a sunshine-and-roses-all-signs-point-to-YES kind of draw, and this fox knocked me down several pegs. As I did the last time I drew this card, I immediately knew I needed to draw two more, first the five of cups and then the five of wands. As I drew the five of wands I said hello again, having just seen it a few moments before when it had tried to assert itself while I was shuffling, a “jumper”. This time I actually said hello instead of shoving it back into the deck. I think it’s safe to say this morning was a head down, get it done sort of operation– not a lot of conscious activity happening for me.
Immediately after drawing these cards, I took a picture and then headed off with my kids into “Operation mom” for the next hour and a half. Before leaving I tried to find my Motherpeace book, so I might be able to at least intellectually process what the deck was telling me– but to no avail– it was hiding. The cards were eerily haunting throughout the day– I checked in with the picture a couple of times. Operation mom moved immediately (and a few minutes late) into “Operation business owner”– and my day proceeded as such, moving from one thing to the next without any time to consider myself.
Welcome back to life!!
My job as a business owner is incredibly rewarding. I have relationships with so many different, amazing people. I have no one but myself to answer to (which totally works for me). I LOVE my work. However, at times running a business can be really challenging. It can be a lot to carry on my sizable-but-just-one-set-of shoulders. Sometimes I allow that stress to bleed into my personal life– because I certainly don’t want it to bleed into my professional life. Sometimes I don’t do a good job of managing my stress.
I had some unfortunate digital misunderstandings and miscommunications with my husband in the afternoon which added to my stress and general “off” feelings. I finished work at six and headed home to cook dinner, moving into “Operation wife” with a chip on my shoulder which was really uncalled for– but definitely present. When my husband arrived home I didn’t do a good job at communicating the gist of my day– and ultimately, while walking along the beautiful, tree-lined streets of our neighborhood we had our first fight as a married couple. Hooray!! (We all know it’s gotta happen, might as well get it over with).
Arriving back at our house after my own personal post-fight walk, I saw my husband through the window in our basement folding laundry, and I went into the kitchen and finished making dinner. Under the auspice of “not putting clothes in the wrong place” we made up, he always finds a way to make me smile. We settled back into our life and had a late dinner. It was then and only then that my Motherpeace book poked its head out from its hiding place RIGHT next to me. Yes. My daily draw.
I picked it up and leafed through the book, finding the descriptions of my cards, finally able to consciously take them in. I took some time to sit with the images. I felt gratitude for the resolution and communication between myself and my husband. Sometimes things present themselves before we’re ready to take them in. These cards definitely did that. They spoke of strategizing to get what I want, of not becoming overwhelmed or stuck in a space of grieving or letting go, and of an internal struggle and the rising of a phoenix from the ashes. YES, YES and YES.
This daily draw process is not always the easiest for me. It lays bare things that are not easy to look at– that are hiding underneath my rose-colored surfaces. It helps me to affirm where I am and with what I am struggling. I don’t like to acknowledge personal struggle, as it feels in my lizard brain like a weakness. Of course as a healer, I know better– but it is challenging to always stay on top of self-reflection. Today it tells me that consciousness in all things is KEY. And honest communication with myself and with the outside world is necessary.
This card is one of those ALL THE BLESSINGS cards. It symbolizes harmony and abundance with family and relationships. Feels perfectly apropos for the place I currently find myself– in the brilliant, beautiful haze of newly-wedded bliss… HOWEVER, connecting to this card on a purely tarot level does not really acknowledge much that is going on under the surface of our bliss. The symbol of the pelican does however offer the balance that I feel is a more honest portrayal of exactly where I find myself at the moment.
Pelican symbolizes the need to turn inward and take time for self-care. THIS is the place I feel slightly more connected to as I write this post, having spent most of my day laid up in bed having a hard time turning my head. Saturday night was symbolically and in actuality the end of our wedding celebrations. We had a party in Portland for all of the loved ones we were unable to include the previous weekend at the Coast. I drank more than my fair share of libations (as is quite unusual for me)– and had an incredible time dancing and celebrating.
Sunday morning I woke up at 5:45 am unable to go back to sleep and with a sense of dis-ease. I took a hot bath and tried to sleep again– and woke a couple of hours later with a dull, aching pain in my neck. I got up and went into the studio to teach mat class at 9 am, having cancelled my private sessions the night before when I realized that they were an unreasonable ask of myself. After teaching mat class I headed to stock up on Easter basket wares for my mostly grown children and then headed home to assemble Easter baskets.
By the time my husband was home from work in the early afternoon– it was clear I was not in my best form– moving around the house like a stiff mannequin with very few mobile joints. He immediately took me up to the studio and worked on me (one of the many benefits of being married to an LMT)– and then brought me home to rest. Several hours later I realized I would not be helping anyone the next day– other than myself. I cancelled my clients and got my classes covered.
I sought solace in my bed with a movie and a new animal puzzle sticker book that feeds some deeply hidden places in my brain perfectly. (see picture below) I rested and recuperated. I tried as best I could to allow the stress of the last several weeks to melt into my mattress and out of my tired and confused muscles. I turned inward. My breath got deeper, my cells decompressed. My husband joined me. We snuggled into ALL OF THE BLESSINGS that exist between the two of us.
I’m thankful for the insight of my body, seizing to allow me to settle. It knows me pretty well by now– and knows sometimes I’ll push a little when I should maybe just be standing still (or even sitting down). I am surrounded by blessings and full of well-being. I am immeasurably happy and content and overflowing with abundance. And I am grateful for gentle reminders from my body (confirmed by my tarot cards) that despite all of the blessings– I still need to take care of myself. FIRST.