This card fortells of a journey– setting out to shores unknown, a new beginning. This is precisely where I find myself, letting go of the comforting and familiar to set forth into a new paradigm. Drawing it in reverse clearly illustrates my trepidation about this journey.
In describing the reversed status of this card, fountain tarot speaks of a stubborn self-reliance and relying on old patterns of behavior that prevent progress. Yes, Yes, and Y-E-S.
Jumping off of a precipice into unknown waters is SCARY. I am human and not immune to fear. As I do my best to TRUST my process and myself within it, I also acknowledge that I AM MY LARGEST OBSTACLE– and that it’s okay (and absolutely perfect) to be afraid.
I am doing my best to acknowledge my own self-sabotage and recognize old patterns that are no longer serving me. I TRUST myself and my path as it unfolds in front of me. I am ready for this NEW BEGINNING.
I did a five card spread before my daily draw today. The hanged man appeared in it as well. As I sat in meditation with this brilliant image in front of me– I saw myself much like the hanged man, my roots extending down into the center of the earth, spreading wide, and my crown lifting out into the cosmos into the vast expanse of what is beyond. Linking into the infinite I felt immediately the sense of being held from all directions. I felt fear present in my third chakra. I expanded out from my center and allowed it to disperse into the support that held me. My awareness then moved to a deep aching in my heart. In connecting to it I had flashes of my brilliant daughter as a little girl. I felt the human aching of my guilt at not being perfect and not always being present with her. I allowed myself to feel and release the immense guilt I feel as a mother for not being EVERYTHING, all the time. I continued to allow the energy of the universe to hold me.
I find myself butting up against the tiniest pieces of myself of late. I’m turning towards old patterns of fear and staying small because to be perfectly honest, I AM TERRIFIED. I am terrified of what lies ahead. I’m terrified of becoming bigger. I’m terrified of allowing my perspective to move through my voice and out into the world. I’m terrified of what this process is opening up. I want to be comforted and given assurances that everything is okay. I want to cling to what is familiar, stop dead in my tracks, and move back into my well-worn rut.
Instead, what I have is the assurance that I am HELD (in all directions and from all sides), and that it is time for me to turn my world upside down. It is time to release my small thoughts and disperse the tiny pieces of guilt and shame that keep me small and grasping for comfort. I am ready to confront the terror of what exposure and expansion present. I am quaking with fear and I’m not ashamed to tell the world:
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S COMING NEXT, and IT SCARES ME TO DEATH.
The simple beauty of this card, having moved through my own personal turmoil yesterday is absolutely perfect. The last week or so of my life I’ve moved slightly south of sacred, engaging in old patterns and habits that don’t serve my highest good. I’ve allowed myself to indulge myself in old routines relating to comfort and safety– mostly with my eating habits. I’ve been gentle with myself in this engagement however, acknowledging the massive transition through which I’ve just moved. Occasionally we all need to plunge into the deep waters of old, familiar patterns in order to remind ourselves why we’ve made the conscious choices we have.
I’m just poking my head above the surface of those waters today– and it feels amazing to honor my conscious choices once again– and move away from the old, rutted patterns. If we allow ourselves to honor the sacredness in everything, we give width and breadth to all that surrounds us. I had the most incredible energy session today with a dear client and friend. I have watched her move through so much in such a short period of time. I have seen her claim herself and honor her process in the most sacred, beautiful ways. This card, and the simple beauty of the wings on it reflects the sacredness of her journey. It reflects the sacredness of ALL of our journeys. I am immensely grateful for the honor of bearing witness to so many people’s sacred space.
I honor the sacredness of my body, this amazing vessel that has managed (despite my best efforts to thwart it at every turn) to persevere and grow stronger. I honor the sacredness of my space as my extended container and protector. I honor the sacredness of my children who are (despite the fact that they are children) phenomenal human beings who I am grateful to know. I honor the sacredness of my business as it offers sanctuary and solitude to those who honor its sacredness. I honor the sacredness of my partnership– as it is larger and more powerful than I could possibly be on my own.
For everything sacred, which is everything, I am grateful.