Taking a moment with this card after drawing it I feel certain it represents my mother, feeling an immediate pull into my heart. She is in the forefront of my mind of late as she continues to lighten her load and mine along with it. There is a protectiveness that this lovely swan offers– almost to the point of self-sacrifice. There is a loving, nurturing empathy offered without expectation. This is truly the embodiment of my mother.
As I continue to witness her process I also continue to feel its affects in my own life. It becomes easier for me to trust myself and my surrounding community. This card encourages me to continue to trust myself and my intuition, allowing connection with the world that I am surrounded by without fear or reticence. I am grateful for my mother’s steadfast example of the embodiment of unconditional love.
The Scorpio full moon had a large effect on all aspects of my family. Drawing the son of cups this morning I sat with it and immediately felt an opening in my heart and throat chakras. The question in the back of my mind since I awoke this morning was “how do I keep my mind from worry?” I felt quickly that the son of cups represented my husband.
We have been married for a little over a month now. As each day passes a deeper shedding and opening occurs. The solidifying of our union allows both of us an access to more power. We have closed other doors, and opened this one WIDE. Our energies are more focused and deliberate. We are allowing ourselves to love one another and occupy our love fully.
I drew a second card for further guidance on the first. These two cards create a harmony, representing the symmetry of our partnership. The son of cups has an energetic drawing up, while temperance is grounding. There is a romantic and idealistic sense that the watery, emotional son of cups exudes that temperance gently balances, with the union of fire and water. These cards feel to me like a reminder to utilize the power and energy our sacrament offers us.
Our whole is far greater than the sum of its parts.
I’ve fallen out of my writing practice in the last week– allowing doubt and fear to get the better of me. Today, on this first day following the Scorpio full moon, I renew my commitment to myself and this process of accountability and acknowledgement. I began today with a 13 card spread for the coming year from this deck that is brand new to me, The Wild Unknown. It feels like my deck. Interacting with it feels like coming home.
The seven of wands was the first card I turned over in the 13 card spread, the one that applies for the month ahead. I began sobbing as soon as i connected to it.
The root of my emotion feels connected to my mother and the shedding process she is currently undergoing, which runs parallel to my own. The work that she is doing is clearly work for our lineage. As she releases her burdens she allows my daughter and I to release them as well. She frees us from ever having to carry them.
Yesterday on the full moon in Scorpio she turned 73. The day before she held a yard sale at my house and let go of a massive amount of weight that she had been carrying for years upon years upon years. My mother is a collector. She has always been a collector (at least for the 41 years that I have known her). When I was a child she never made me get rid of anything. There was an attachment to objects that was allowed and even encouraged. I carted around ridiculous pieces of my childhood with me from one coast to another– finally beginning to unravel that process seven years ago when I separated from my first husband.
The single flame on the seven of wands represents our own inner fire. It symbolizes the importance of self-reliance and the falling away of all other things or people. As my mother sheds her past and unburdens herself of all that she has carried for herself and for others throughout her lifetime– I too feel a weight lifting. Her lightening load is mine as well. She gives me courage to move forward through my doubt and fear, guided by my own inner light. I allow that light to shine on my terror. I acknowledge the perfection of my fear and allow my inner light to guide the way. I am grateful for the powerful example my mother is setting. As she steps out on her own brightly lit path without the security of her things, so too do I.
I just got this amazing new deck yesterday. It makes me feel like it’s my birthday and Christmas morning and all the happy things rolled into one. I could spend hours just sitting with these cards. Another awesome bonus is they have silver edges and shuffling them leaves my hands sparkly. What a perfect metaphor– this deck leaves me sparkly. And those who know me well (or even not-so-well) are probably aware that I’ve got a thing for sparkles.
I sat in meditation for a bit before drawing this card, reflecting on the new beginning that this morning feels like. I plugged in my apple watch just before drawing the card– it has been dormant for two weeks now– since the day I was married. Yes, it’s been two weeks since we made it official. (At some point I promise I’ll stop talking about it– but at the moment it’s still really feeling pertinent).
This draw is all about new beginnings– which is precisely what today feels like. Today I’m re-entering my body in a conscious physical way. (I have literally done no conscious exercise in the last three weeks– and in just a few minutes I’m headed off to a Pilates class.) I am re-entering my home and clearing out all of the debris that is no longer relevant. I am re-entering my life as a bigger, better, more powerful, married ME.
Yesterday I did not draw, nor did I write. I laid in bed ALL DAY LONG. I went to bed the night before well aware that my body was fighting– but with the hope that I might be able to “sleep it off.” Sleep it off, I did not. I woke up a couple of hours into my sleep with a RAGING sore throat. I tried all of my witchy remedies. I wrapped my neck in a scarf, poured a Chinese linament on my throat, and secured a rose quartz stone in between the scarf and myself– well aware that my 6:15 am class was not something I was going to be able to “push through.” At 3 am I texted my clients to let them know they could get some extra sleep in the morning– and tried to do the same.
My body is moving through its cycle. It’s done such an incredible job over the last month, moving forward, pushing through, getting it done. It is acknowledging its breaking point– forcing me to take a knee. And just thirty six hours later, having taken that knee, I feel much better.
Today’s card is all about those cycles that are inherently present in our lives that we are continuously moving through. There are the constant and continuous cycles that are always present, the waxing and waning of the moon, the changing of the seasons. Then there are those larger, personal cycles, birthdays, graduations, acknowledging changes in relationships, GETTING MARRIED and such.
There is a massive purge that has been building and insinuating itself for MONTHS in my home. This space is bursting at the seams. It is BEGGING to be toppled and rebuilt. I have been keeping it at bay for the last two weeks. It’s as if it is a living, breathing thing and it’s aware that the wedding is OVER– and pestering me to PAY ATTENTION to it. This weekend there is finally time to be given to completing a cycle in OUR home. Yes, technically it has been OUR home for almost three years now– but everything is different now. There is an ownership that WE have over this space that trumps anything previous.
I honor the sacredness of this new beginning we are making as a family of four. I honor the closing of the cycle as our family of three. I honor this space as our sacred container and can’t wait to dive in this weekend and MAKE it SING!!!!
I made this draw in the morning during the few spare moments I had between my early morning class and taking my kids to the doctor and the dentist. I first drew the seven of swords, an old friend from a few weeks back. I remember the last time I drew this guy I was horrified, because just the night before I’d had a sunshine-and-roses-all-signs-point-to-YES kind of draw, and this fox knocked me down several pegs. As I did the last time I drew this card, I immediately knew I needed to draw two more, first the five of cups and then the five of wands. As I drew the five of wands I said hello again, having just seen it a few moments before when it had tried to assert itself while I was shuffling, a “jumper”. This time I actually said hello instead of shoving it back into the deck. I think it’s safe to say this morning was a head down, get it done sort of operation– not a lot of conscious activity happening for me.
Immediately after drawing these cards, I took a picture and then headed off with my kids into “Operation mom” for the next hour and a half. Before leaving I tried to find my Motherpeace book, so I might be able to at least intellectually process what the deck was telling me– but to no avail– it was hiding. The cards were eerily haunting throughout the day– I checked in with the picture a couple of times. Operation mom moved immediately (and a few minutes late) into “Operation business owner”– and my day proceeded as such, moving from one thing to the next without any time to consider myself.
Welcome back to life!!
My job as a business owner is incredibly rewarding. I have relationships with so many different, amazing people. I have no one but myself to answer to (which totally works for me). I LOVE my work. However, at times running a business can be really challenging. It can be a lot to carry on my sizable-but-just-one-set-of shoulders. Sometimes I allow that stress to bleed into my personal life– because I certainly don’t want it to bleed into my professional life. Sometimes I don’t do a good job of managing my stress.
I had some unfortunate digital misunderstandings and miscommunications with my husband in the afternoon which added to my stress and general “off” feelings. I finished work at six and headed home to cook dinner, moving into “Operation wife” with a chip on my shoulder which was really uncalled for– but definitely present. When my husband arrived home I didn’t do a good job at communicating the gist of my day– and ultimately, while walking along the beautiful, tree-lined streets of our neighborhood we had our first fight as a married couple. Hooray!! (We all know it’s gotta happen, might as well get it over with).
Arriving back at our house after my own personal post-fight walk, I saw my husband through the window in our basement folding laundry, and I went into the kitchen and finished making dinner. Under the auspice of “not putting clothes in the wrong place” we made up, he always finds a way to make me smile. We settled back into our life and had a late dinner. It was then and only then that my Motherpeace book poked its head out from its hiding place RIGHT next to me. Yes. My daily draw.
I picked it up and leafed through the book, finding the descriptions of my cards, finally able to consciously take them in. I took some time to sit with the images. I felt gratitude for the resolution and communication between myself and my husband. Sometimes things present themselves before we’re ready to take them in. These cards definitely did that. They spoke of strategizing to get what I want, of not becoming overwhelmed or stuck in a space of grieving or letting go, and of an internal struggle and the rising of a phoenix from the ashes. YES, YES and YES.
This daily draw process is not always the easiest for me. It lays bare things that are not easy to look at– that are hiding underneath my rose-colored surfaces. It helps me to affirm where I am and with what I am struggling. I don’t like to acknowledge personal struggle, as it feels in my lizard brain like a weakness. Of course as a healer, I know better– but it is challenging to always stay on top of self-reflection. Today it tells me that consciousness in all things is KEY. And honest communication with myself and with the outside world is necessary.
This card is one of those ALL THE BLESSINGS cards. It symbolizes harmony and abundance with family and relationships. Feels perfectly apropos for the place I currently find myself– in the brilliant, beautiful haze of newly-wedded bliss… HOWEVER, connecting to this card on a purely tarot level does not really acknowledge much that is going on under the surface of our bliss. The symbol of the pelican does however offer the balance that I feel is a more honest portrayal of exactly where I find myself at the moment.
Pelican symbolizes the need to turn inward and take time for self-care. THIS is the place I feel slightly more connected to as I write this post, having spent most of my day laid up in bed having a hard time turning my head. Saturday night was symbolically and in actuality the end of our wedding celebrations. We had a party in Portland for all of the loved ones we were unable to include the previous weekend at the Coast. I drank more than my fair share of libations (as is quite unusual for me)– and had an incredible time dancing and celebrating.
Sunday morning I woke up at 5:45 am unable to go back to sleep and with a sense of dis-ease. I took a hot bath and tried to sleep again– and woke a couple of hours later with a dull, aching pain in my neck. I got up and went into the studio to teach mat class at 9 am, having cancelled my private sessions the night before when I realized that they were an unreasonable ask of myself. After teaching mat class I headed to stock up on Easter basket wares for my mostly grown children and then headed home to assemble Easter baskets.
By the time my husband was home from work in the early afternoon– it was clear I was not in my best form– moving around the house like a stiff mannequin with very few mobile joints. He immediately took me up to the studio and worked on me (one of the many benefits of being married to an LMT)– and then brought me home to rest. Several hours later I realized I would not be helping anyone the next day– other than myself. I cancelled my clients and got my classes covered.
I sought solace in my bed with a movie and a new animal puzzle sticker book that feeds some deeply hidden places in my brain perfectly. (see picture below) I rested and recuperated. I tried as best I could to allow the stress of the last several weeks to melt into my mattress and out of my tired and confused muscles. I turned inward. My breath got deeper, my cells decompressed. My husband joined me. We snuggled into ALL OF THE BLESSINGS that exist between the two of us.
I’m thankful for the insight of my body, seizing to allow me to settle. It knows me pretty well by now– and knows sometimes I’ll push a little when I should maybe just be standing still (or even sitting down). I am surrounded by blessings and full of well-being. I am immeasurably happy and content and overflowing with abundance. And I am grateful for gentle reminders from my body (confirmed by my tarot cards) that despite all of the blessings– I still need to take care of myself. FIRST.
I transitioned back into my life today. I went to work. I had a strange sense of time through my first two hours working– it seemed to stretch further and take up more space than usual. By my third hour of work I had more of a handle on it– and it felt as though it were passing more normally. It felt good to be back, but a large part of me understands completely why the honeymoon is a tradition immediately following the wedding. There is a strange and beautiful existence we’re sharing right now that feels removed from all else. Entering back into the real world today threatened to shift that existence (though the threats were empty– the magic still remains).
This red coral draw speaks to me again of rooting, just as the tobacco from the same deck did two days ago. It is associated with the root chakra and makes me immediately think of my home which is begging me and my new husband to settle in. We are still amidst chaos from the wedding and the space is begging us to cleanse it of the chaos and root into a newly created calm. I will find my new rhythm, and it seems clear that the rhythm will begin with my root, as we create this new paradigm together
The coral strikes me as a perfect balance between fire and water. It is associated with the element of fire, yet it is surrounded by water– and it is the only thing in the ocean that comes to mind that is not swayed by water. Most things, whether animate or inanimate are moved by the movement of water. Coral is not. It is rooted and stands immovable against the constant ebb and flow of the tides. It is a constant, stable element in the ocean– all things move and flow around it. As I begin this life anew with my husband I will endeavor to allow my new, constructive habits and patterns (i.e. daily meditation and writing) to be as the red coral– rooted and fixed, which all else will easily flow around.
Fox is said to come to you during times of change, which is certainly appropriate for the massive life event that is coming just four days from now. (my wedding). Again, just as in yesterday’s draw there is a full moon illuminating the fox and a supernatural feel to the painting. Fox is said to be a mediator between the human and spirit worlds. I spent last night, as well as many other nights in the last couple of weeks straddling the human and spirit worlds in my dreams, waking with visions that only my dreaming mind can make sense of.
The massiveness of this transition I am moving through feels like it is being accompanied by a spiritual acknowledgement and awakening as well. As we allow our partnership to be brought out into the light and witnessed by the world, there are other aspects of us, often under the surface, that are allowed to be seen as well. I am a healer, and a witchy, witchy woman. I don’t always present my witch to the world, though most people who know me at all know that she’s always right underneath the surface. The appearance of fox today feels like an assurance. She helps me feel confident in owning the ceremony that is the next several days of my life. I am preparing myself for what is next. There is no need to hide my witch. She knows exactly how to move me forward.
I had completely forgotten that this deck existed until this morning. I found myself in a neglected corner of my house, one that used to be an altar space that is now a dumping ground for randomness, asking myself “what am I looking for?” BOOM these cards called out to me, greeting me like a long-lost friend. I remembered buying them out at one of our favorite bookstores on the coast over a year ago and using them just once to create an altar for our family. I immediately disassembled the altar (an untended altar is no altar at all) and made the deck whole again. I didn’t even check in with my other decks. This was the deck for today’s draw.
Drawing this card, the last one in the deck, feels absolutely perfect. Finding the balance between giving and receiving for me has been a life-long journey. Lately however, it feels like I’ve finally turned a corner with it. I finally have a deep understanding of the necessity of receiving in order to be able to hold the necessary space as a healer, mother, partner and business owner. I resonate so completely with the image of the beautiful woman on this card who is one with the sacred geometry that flows through and around her. She is one with the stardust. There is a flow between herself and all of creation. She is a conduit for flow and movement. She is open and allowing.
Creating a structure for my daily writing practice to exist within has opened me to allowing the flow of my writing. Giving my words voice has allowed them to bubble up and out of me with ease. They are begging to be written and I am acknowledging them and allowing them to move through me. For years my practice was ignoring them. Occasionally I would open a small escape valve, a post here and there, a haiku or poem. But ultimately, my firmly entrenched pattern was one of containing– not allowing.
In the years I spent blocking my writing, I was always very conscious of the fact that I was doing so, but also completely unable to change the practice. I would go through fits and spurts but ultimately there was an intangible fear keeping me from allowing the flow of my words. As I ease ever closer to my wedding day– just two weeks from today, I begin to understand the magnitude of the acknowledgement to the world of my union with my partner. I have known intuitively since I laid eyes on him that we were bound to each other– but there are years that have passed from that moment until now, years of patience and trust. The acknowledgment of our bond to the world allows me to trust myself at the root of my being. It allows me to fully step out from my self-imposed shroud and shine as brilliantly as I possibly can. I can finally say with absolute certainty: