Three of cups is a joyous celebration of community and coming together. Drawing this card reversed reminds me not to get stuck in isolation. I have a tendency to withdraw from my support when fear begins to grip me. As I move through my days right now I am calling upon an immense amount of TRUST to carry me forward. The gentle reminder this card brings: to root into the community that I have built and fostered at body mechanics is golden.
When I take a moment to flip this card right side up I feel a lift of energy– there is a feeling of opening and support. Sitting with the card in reverse helps me to remember to send my energy in both directions– through my roots as well as my crown.
This card fortells of a journey– setting out to shores unknown, a new beginning. This is precisely where I find myself, letting go of the comforting and familiar to set forth into a new paradigm. Drawing it in reverse clearly illustrates my trepidation about this journey.
In describing the reversed status of this card, fountain tarot speaks of a stubborn self-reliance and relying on old patterns of behavior that prevent progress. Yes, Yes, and Y-E-S.
Jumping off of a precipice into unknown waters is SCARY. I am human and not immune to fear. As I do my best to TRUST my process and myself within it, I also acknowledge that I AM MY LARGEST OBSTACLE– and that it’s okay (and absolutely perfect) to be afraid.
I am doing my best to acknowledge my own self-sabotage and recognize old patterns that are no longer serving me. I TRUST myself and my path as it unfolds in front of me. I am ready for this NEW BEGINNING.
Two days later my old friend is back again, reversed, just to keep me honest.
In connecting with this card this morning I felt an instant release of emotion– my heart and my throat chakras releasing into sobs immediately. At first, my intellect was bewildered. Aren’t I doing a good job? Am I seeking external validation? What am I doing WRONG? BINGO. That question in and of itself is my answer.
Yesterday there was some drama in the studio. I was with a client in a private movement session and another instructor was teaching a mat class in the front room. I was completely engrossed in my work with my client when one of the mat class students burst into the equipment room, distressed, and said, “Mandy, can you come in here? something is wrong.” I looked into the next room to see the instructor, my dear friend and colleague, sitting on the floor shaking uncontrollably. I moved away from my client and over to her instantly. I sat with her and helped her ground. I told her she was exactly where she needed to be and that everything was alright.
She has a condition called Addison’s disease. Her body does not produce cortisol, the stress hormone. There are so many small chemical regulations that our bodies are continuously processing that we take for granted– sugars, salts, minerals, hormones. When any one of these small things is off in her body the effects can be catastrophic– it can leave her feeling dizzy, nauseous, and unable to function like a normal human being. It can also make her feel terrified. That’s what she was yesterday. TERRIFIED.
There’s that word again.
I am the woman you want around in a crisis. I will jump to action. I will stay calm. I will remain grounded. It’s what I was made for. In that moment of crisis my entire energy field surrounded the studio and everyone in it in a big bubble of safety. What was important to me above anything else was that she and everyone else in the studio felt safe and taken care of. I may have over-extended myself a bit.
We moved through the trauma, called an ambulance to usher her to the hospital where they could give her fluids and monitor all of her levels. My brilliant assistant went with her. When they left the studio I opened up the garage door to help allow the trauma to move out of the space and immediately re-entered the private session with my client who had waited there, holding space along with everyone else. We did some triage energy work on her heart, the situation having stirred up a lot for her, giving her access to feelings and emotions that her heart had been holding. I rooted into the space and helped her move the emotions. We moved her back into her physical structure and she left the space feeling lighter and more grounded.
I cleared the studio of the trauma after she left, processed it with a couple of the practitioners who were still in the space and moved forward with my day, unaware of a certain level of shock I was operating under. When my husband arrived home I processed through the story with him. He immediately asked me when I was seeing my healer next, he said “You just took a huge impact, and I know you’re strong and you did what you needed to for everyone else, but you need to get ahead of this.”
I heard him intellectually, but couldn’t process what he was saying on any other level. I felt fine– proud even of how I had handled the situation. (uh oh, proud? sounds like ego to me). And thus my uncontrollable sobbing at the right-side-up hanged man this morning.
What The Fountain Tarot says about a reversed hanged man is “business as usual” and that hits the nail on the head. Despite the MASSIVE trauma that occurred in the space yesterday– I moved forward as if I hadn’t been affected by it– taking care of the space and everyone else. Moving forward– making everyone feel safe and protected feels like my job. And maybe it is to a certain extent– as long as I’m being honest with myself, and acknowledging my own needs.
I am grateful to the incredible community of people who held space in the studio yesterday. I am grateful for the immense wisdom of my partner, his gentle but firm loving guidance, helping me acknowledge the truth. I am also grateful to this daily meditation practice.
Yesterday was HARD. I AM someone you want around in a crisis, I WILL be calm and grounded. I WILL take care of everyone else– but I cannot do that at my own expense.
Today I will take time for myself. I will allow myself to process and release the trauma of yesterday. I will remember that I am held, even when I’m holding. I will remind myself to TAKE MY OWN ADVICE– it’s actually pretty spot-on.
I did a five card spread before my daily draw today. The hanged man appeared in it as well. As I sat in meditation with this brilliant image in front of me– I saw myself much like the hanged man, my roots extending down into the center of the earth, spreading wide, and my crown lifting out into the cosmos into the vast expanse of what is beyond. Linking into the infinite I felt immediately the sense of being held from all directions. I felt fear present in my third chakra. I expanded out from my center and allowed it to disperse into the support that held me. My awareness then moved to a deep aching in my heart. In connecting to it I had flashes of my brilliant daughter as a little girl. I felt the human aching of my guilt at not being perfect and not always being present with her. I allowed myself to feel and release the immense guilt I feel as a mother for not being EVERYTHING, all the time. I continued to allow the energy of the universe to hold me.
I find myself butting up against the tiniest pieces of myself of late. I’m turning towards old patterns of fear and staying small because to be perfectly honest, I AM TERRIFIED. I am terrified of what lies ahead. I’m terrified of becoming bigger. I’m terrified of allowing my perspective to move through my voice and out into the world. I’m terrified of what this process is opening up. I want to be comforted and given assurances that everything is okay. I want to cling to what is familiar, stop dead in my tracks, and move back into my well-worn rut.
Instead, what I have is the assurance that I am HELD (in all directions and from all sides), and that it is time for me to turn my world upside down. It is time to release my small thoughts and disperse the tiny pieces of guilt and shame that keep me small and grasping for comfort. I am ready to confront the terror of what exposure and expansion present. I am quaking with fear and I’m not ashamed to tell the world:
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S COMING NEXT, and IT SCARES ME TO DEATH.
One week ago I drew this same card. Again I begin my week with a vast horizon in front of me. I am being ask to step up and into something entirely new and unknown. This card speaks of abandoning the familiar and trusting the foundation in order to move forward and create anew. As I sit with it in meditation I feel a calmness. This image is comforting. It is the forward journey into the unknown that feels absolutely undeniable.
I leave behind the constructs of the past that have held me down and kept me believing I was smaller and less capable than I am. I let go of the belief that there are limits to what and how I can achieve. I fully invest in the exponential expansion of myself as my most powerful and productive resource. I am ready to call in the power of my voice and all that comes with it.
This card speaks of a new beginning, separate from an old reality. He walks with purpose towards his new life– no need for sentiment or looking back. His focus is wholly on what lies ahead. This is perfectly aligned with the energy that surrounds me currently. I took yesterday off from blogging– no drawing, no writing. I went to work in the morning, taught for four hours and then came home and spent several hours sorting, purging, cleaning, laundering and organizing.
This weekend I finally allowed myself to press the RESET button I’ve been desperately wanting to push for weeks. And while our space is far from perfect, it’s beginning to take shape. I can see the outlines and edges of what it will become– and it feels magnificent.
I feel free and unfettered, and like I (and my space) can finally BREATHE again. As I sit here writing, I keep taking massive breaths, sighs of relief, and it feels like the first time I’ve done so in weeks.
Last night I found myself unable to sleep for HOURS. After approximately one of them, I got myself out of bed and allowed my mind and body the satisfaction of continuing to clean and organize our home. It was a little after 3 am when I forced myself back to the bedroom to close my eyes and attempt sleep again. Waking up this morning and moving through our space– it feels tangibly different. There’s an undercurrent that is new and clear and easily ordered. As I unloaded the dishwasher this morning before work (I seriously feel like this was the first time I’ve ever done that– and if it wasn’t– it was close to it)– I had this feeling of finally understanding what it is to be an adult in a whole new way. (It only took me 41 years to get here.)
There is a natural chaos in my process within my home. I move through the space and create complete disarray because my focus is narrow– and fixated on an end goal– and there’s a part of me (I’d say a fairly important part) that isn’t present. There’s a part of me that isn’t acknowledging and respecting the space that surrounds and supports me. I am a different person at work. I NEED order– because I am asking myself to function at a high level. For most of my life I have found myself caught in a place where I unconsciously create a living environment that does not support my highest function.
As our new space unfolds, the underlying order that exists is more powerful than my chaos. It is begging me to maintain it– and I must happily oblige. There’s a new level of consciousness being asked of me, that I am asking of myself. A new part of me is awake and she’s demanding more. She’s asking all of me to step up and take the reigns, and surround myself with what I KNOW i deserve. And somehow, I finally feel SAFE enough to do that.